Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator (ludickid) wrote,
Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator
ludickid

Consumer retorts

Dear America,

What, are you kidding with these Left Behind books? Seriously. Are you just buying these things because they represent the form of Christianity with which you choose to associate yourselves, or are you actually reading these things? Because even leaving aside the hamfisted morality, the utterly implausible storytelling and the zero-dimensional characterization, this is some of the worst prose I have ever encountered, and this is coming from a man who has read two Mary Higgins Clark novels. If you just want to express your solidarity for the whole notion of premillennialist rapturfication, buy a t-shirt or something. But are you guys really reading these things? I mean, really? Honestly?

Yours in Christ,
Leonard

***

Dear T.G.I. Fridays,

It is food industry standard practice to feature on product labels any benefits or features unique to the product. For example, you might say “now with more flavor!” or “contains cancer-fighting wet leaves and gravy!” or “new and improved non-fatal almond oil!”. In your case, I would like to suggest for your line of snacks the feature-blurb “capable of evacuating an entire digestive system in under five seconds!”. Today’s smart consumer might want to know that, some minutes after eating your Sour Cream & Onion Potato Skins chips, they will notice immediate weight loss through the medium of their pants. Additionally, you may wish to consider a name change from “Thank God It’s Friday’s” to “Thank God It Causes Immediate Weltering Bowel Extrusions”.

Yours in crust,
Leonard

***

Dear Tropicana,

I am confused at the label on your “homestyle lemonade” product. While it pleasingly does not cause debilitating explosive diarrhea, it does read, beneath the Tropicana Pure Premium logo, “Made With Not From Concentrate”. There seems to be an object missing in that sentence. Also, what exactly is “not from concentrate”? You can’t make something using not-something-else, and a thing is not a not-thing (“not made from concentrate” would be a more elegant phrasing), but even if you could, the wording is awfully vague. What could not-from-concentrate possibly be? The list of items that are not concentrate is nearly endless: your lemonade could be made from nails, Clorox or shaved flesh of the elderly, none of which are concentrate. Please be more terse.

Yours increased,
Leonard
Tags: junk, laffs
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