First of all, let’s define our terms. What is bad driving? Briefly, it is defined as “anything Leonard does not do, would not do, or will not admit to doing”. If you engage in any bad-driving behaviors, especially in my vicinity, you are a bad person and should be executed by a federally funded firing squad. These behaviors include, but are not limited to: speeding more than what I consider a reasonable amount of speeding; driving slower than what I consider a reasonable degree of slow driving; failure to signal a turn; failing to signal a lane change; failure to respect lane indicators; attempting to make a lane where there is no lane; and going around me so you get ahead of me and then driving slower than me. Once again, if you do any of these things, you are worse than Hitler, and all of your friends, family, and co-workers should be killed by a neutron bomb.
Now let’s focus on who drives badly and why they do it. I have identified five types of bad drivers; if you pay close attention, you will notice that every time you see someone driving badly, they fall into one of these seven categories. Please save this guide for reference; it will also attempt to explain their psychological reasons for committing these traffic atrocities, so we can recognize the early warning signs in adolescents and have them anesthetized before they get their drivers’ licenses.
1. PEOPLE WHO TALK ON CELL PHONES.
What is their favorite bad driving behavior? Drifting from lane to lane and failing to observe traffic signals. The cell-phone driver no more pays attention to lane markers or stoplights than would a potato.
Why do they do it? The cell phone driver has more important things to do than drive. They must call their spouses and alert them to the fact that they are driving in a car, or that they have succeeded in purchasing groceries at the grocery store, or that they are horrible assholes. Having never heard the adage that one should not whistle while one is pissing, they attempt to do two things at once despite their inefficacy at multitasking and like as not, they fail at the more important of the two jobs (not causing a fatal accident) rather than the less important (asking their wife what “Rocky” DVD they should rent).
What should be done about them? Unfortunately, cell phone ownership is now as common as erectile dysfunction. Legislation such as the recent Chicago law banning hand-held cell phone use while driving faces an increasingly untenable enforcement problem. I therefore suggest that all drivers be given a hands-free set and that Donald Trump should have to pay for them all because he is a doughy jerk.
2. PEOPLE WHO DRIVE SPORTS UTILITY VEHICLES.
What is their favorite bad driving behavior? Attempting to make a lane where no lane exists. SUV drivers are the equivalent of the fat kid who always muscles his way to the front of the cafeteria line to get a double gorilla cheeseburger.
Why do they do it? People who own SUVs are extremely susceptible to advertising, which is why they buy such a fuel-inefficient, unnecessary vehicle. The reason they drive badly is either because they are having pelvic spasms to a radio commercial for debt consolidation or because they are in a big hurry to get home and turn on the TV so they can be told what brand of electrical tape they should buy.
What should be done about them? The SUV, alas, is now as common as the cell phone, creating another enforcement problem. My suggestion is that everyone who buys an SUV should be beaten repeatedly by a prison yard boss prior to signing the registration papers and then kept in a room without advertising until they regain control of their bodily functions.
3. PEOPLE WHO HAVE VANITY PLATES.
What is their favorite bad driving behavior? All of them. People with vanity plates are the worst drivers on earth. The worst of the worst are ones who have vanity plates that boast about their expensive cars, like “MYTOY” or “SWEET16” or “IWINYOUIMPOVERISHEDBASTARDS”.
Why do they do it? People who have vanity plates are vain – indeed, solipsistic. They have a rare brain disorder that makes them incapable of recognizing the existence of any other human beings. Since they think there are no other cars on the road, they drive as if there are no possible consequences to their actions.
What should be done about them? They should be given lobotomies. They will no longer be able to drive, but they can keep their vanity plates or new ones that read “ICEPICK” or “BRAINSTAB” or “OMYLOBE27”.
4. PEOPLE WHO DRIVE RED CONVERTIBLE SPORTS CARS.
What is their favorite bad driving behavior? Driving at 146 miles per hour so they can get to the next red light ahead of you; speeding relentlessly until they are in front of you on the freeway, then slowing to 42mph and reading stock quotes on their Palm Pilot.
Why do they do it? Owners of red convertible sports cars are all short, balding, wealthy men who have erectile dysfunction and are always on the prowl to bag teenage girls, who are the only people in America who are impressed by red convertible sports cars that go 150 miles per hour. Their focus is on their malfunctioning dicks, and not on the road.
What should be done about them? They should be castrated, either chemically or with a rusty soup can lid.
5. PEOPLE WHO DRIVE FINELY CRAFTED GERMAN SEDANS.
What is their favorite bad driving behavior? For some reason, drivers of Audis, Mercedes-Benzes and BMWs are particularly prone to failing to use their signals.
Why do they do it? Because they are Nazis.
What should be done about them? They should be annihilated in a huge war.
*: Needless to say, I am a great driver and I never do any of these things. Any questions regarding possible exceptions to my perfect behavior while piloting my vehicle will be deleted.