Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator (ludickid) wrote,
Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator
ludickid

Finish him!

The people over at the Turkey Shack are always tellin’ me there’s a clash of civilizations a-brewin’. The United States of Christian America, aided and abetted in a rare face turn by the Jews, are gearing up for a big punch-up with the Islamofascist Soviet Republics. I’m not sure where I come down on the whole thing because I got no dog in the fight, but I do know how we settle things where I’m from*: with a drunk-ass mudhole-stompin’ out behind the barn.

Let’s handicap ‘em.


Contestant #1: Jesus, Who is Called the Christ.
Record: 19 wins, 1 by K.O. (fig tree); 2 losses, 1 by T.K.O. (crucifixion).
Tale of the Tape: 5’4”, 167 lbs.; biceps 16”, neck 12”, shoe size 9W.
Advantages: Trained in hard physical labor (carpenter’s hands can drive a spike into a beam like his name was Bob Wall); well-honed fighting spirit (“I have come not to bring peace, but a sword, bitches!” – Matthew 10:34, New Bad-Ass Version); high tolerance for pain.
Drawbacks: Tendency towards free love hippie peace bullshit; short reach; continuing weight problems may lead to Roberto Duran-type situation.


Contestant #2: Muhammed, Peace Be Unto Him.
Record: 11 wins, all by submission; 4 losses, 1 by decision (Crusade).
Tale of the Tape: 5’6”, 170 lbs.; waist 32”, hands 12” (lengthwise), beard 22”
Advantages: When he says he comes not to bring peace but a sword, it ain’t no metaphor; exceptionally adept at knockin’ motherfuckers out for no reason; finishing maneuver, “The Fruit of Islam”, has thus far proven unstoppable.
Drawbacks: Insistence on praying towards Mecca in mid-bout leaves him open to attack; hostile relationship with the press; won’t stand still for pre-fight photos.


Contestant #3: Moses, Brother of Aaron.
Record: 6 wins, 5 by K.O. (Midianites, Abemilites, Canaanites, Philistines, Babylonians); 12 losses, 1 by T.K.O. (Holocaust).
Tale of the Tape: 5’8”, 174 lbs.; deltoids 22”, inseam 24”, yarmulke 6 ⅞”.
Advantages: Awesome kung-fu; ability to go all Charlton Heston on your ass; left hook to the nose results in Parting of the Red Sea.
Drawbacks: Has been on nearly two-millennium losing streak; subscribes to quack dietary restrictions; really fucking old.


Contestant #4: Joseph “Joe Boxer” Smith.
Record: 2 wins, both by decision (judge’s revelation); 1 loss (fatal).
Tale of the Tape: 5’10”, 182 lbs.; thighs 20”, wrists 5”, moral probity unmeasurable.
Advantages: Pure of body and mind; dedicated to strict bicycle-focused workout routine; seems to get on well with all of the ring girls.
Drawbacks: Secret caffeine addiction; cannot see without aid of magical glasses; never bet on the white guy.


Contestant #5: Rev. Sun Myung Moon.
Record: 1 win, by decision (media circus); 2 losses, 1 by decision (to Scientology).
Tale of the Tape: 5’3”, 206 lbs.; lats 13”, pate 5”, penis size classified.
Advantages: The press loves him; only fighter to have held the Unification title; strength in numbers.
Drawbacks: Weight advantage not as advantageous as one might think; limited experience in open competition; is some kind of crazy hinky-dinky Chinaman or something.

*: a residential neighborhood on Chicago’s northwest side.
Tags: jeebus, laffs
Subscribe

  • No, he can't, 'cause he's a pig

    So I clicked on a GoVeg.com ad that came up in my gMail, listing ten reasons not to eat pork. They were mostly convincing, although not as convincing…

  • Mansion Accomplished

    Apparently -- and I'm not sure how this happened -- the leaders in Iraq are not very good. Maybe we should invade or something.

  • When the bridge collapse, you got no place to stay

    Boy, I must have driven over that bridge a couple dozen times, and I never, ever thought it would collapse. HA HA! Just kidding! In reality, I am a…

  • Post a new comment

    Error

    default userpic

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.
  • 5 comments