Let’s handicap ‘em.
Contestant #1: Jesus, Who is Called the Christ.
Record: 19 wins, 1 by K.O. (fig tree); 2 losses, 1 by T.K.O. (crucifixion).
Tale of the Tape: 5’4”, 167 lbs.; biceps 16”, neck 12”, shoe size 9W.
Advantages: Trained in hard physical labor (carpenter’s hands can drive a spike into a beam like his name was Bob Wall); well-honed fighting spirit (“I have come not to bring peace, but a sword, bitches!” – Matthew 10:34, New Bad-Ass Version); high tolerance for pain.
Drawbacks: Tendency towards free love hippie peace bullshit; short reach; continuing weight problems may lead to Roberto Duran-type situation.
Contestant #2: Muhammed, Peace Be Unto Him.
Record: 11 wins, all by submission; 4 losses, 1 by decision (Crusade).
Tale of the Tape: 5’6”, 170 lbs.; waist 32”, hands 12” (lengthwise), beard 22”
Advantages: When he says he comes not to bring peace but a sword, it ain’t no metaphor; exceptionally adept at knockin’ motherfuckers out for no reason; finishing maneuver, “The Fruit of Islam”, has thus far proven unstoppable.
Drawbacks: Insistence on praying towards Mecca in mid-bout leaves him open to attack; hostile relationship with the press; won’t stand still for pre-fight photos.
Contestant #3: Moses, Brother of Aaron.
Record: 6 wins, 5 by K.O. (Midianites, Abemilites, Canaanites, Philistines, Babylonians); 12 losses, 1 by T.K.O. (Holocaust).
Tale of the Tape: 5’8”, 174 lbs.; deltoids 22”, inseam 24”, yarmulke 6 ⅞”.
Advantages: Awesome kung-fu; ability to go all Charlton Heston on your ass; left hook to the nose results in Parting of the Red Sea.
Drawbacks: Has been on nearly two-millennium losing streak; subscribes to quack dietary restrictions; really fucking old.
Contestant #4: Joseph “Joe Boxer” Smith.
Record: 2 wins, both by decision (judge’s revelation); 1 loss (fatal).
Tale of the Tape: 5’10”, 182 lbs.; thighs 20”, wrists 5”, moral probity unmeasurable.
Advantages: Pure of body and mind; dedicated to strict bicycle-focused workout routine; seems to get on well with all of the ring girls.
Drawbacks: Secret caffeine addiction; cannot see without aid of magical glasses; never bet on the white guy.
Contestant #5: Rev. Sun Myung Moon.
Record: 1 win, by decision (media circus); 2 losses, 1 by decision (to Scientology).
Tale of the Tape: 5’3”, 206 lbs.; lats 13”, pate 5”, penis size classified.
Advantages: The press loves him; only fighter to have held the Unification title; strength in numbers.
Drawbacks: Weight advantage not as advantageous as one might think; limited experience in open competition; is some kind of crazy hinky-dinky Chinaman or something.
*: a residential neighborhood on Chicago’s northwest side.