Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator (ludickid) wrote,
Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator
ludickid

"Dear God, not THE CHILDREN..."

Ladies and gentlemen and Kudas of all ages, I now have in my possession the shooting script of The Day the Clown Cried, one of the most staggeringly awful films never made -- the infamous unreleased 1971 flick written, directed by and starring Jerry Lewis as, ahem, a clown who entertains children in a Nazi death camp.

Herewith some choice quotes from Jerry's character, Helmut Doork (that's right, HELMUT DOORK), the centerpiece of this amazingly inappropriate movie.

Helmut explains his relationship with the audience to his patient wife:

I AM A CLOWN ... PEOPLE LAUGH AT ME ... I like being a clown ... I DON'T LIKE people laughing at me ... But, Oh, How I HATE when they DON'T !!!

Helmut delivers some lines Jerry no doubt made up from whole cloth:

I just have nowhere to explode ...I feel lost and alone, I can't handle the pain of being a HAS-BEEN!

Helmut gives a drunken speech in front of some Gestapo men that will soon get him tossed in a concentration camp (note that this monologue is clearly meant to be a serious and powerful dramatic moment instead of a jaw-droppingly misguided one):

The trouble with man today is that he takes everything for granted ... he thinks what he's told to think ...and accepts it! Just because we know meanings of words, we use them and we fool ourselves ... people should use the dictionary more ... look up words like good ... bad ... honest ... loyal ... especially loyal. I know what loyal means and I have always been that ... but does anyone care? No! Of course not ... Only when it is expedient ... When it isn't ---(he slashes his throat with his finger) -- ZIPP! You're out! And that goes for you too ... Mein Fuhrer ... You, too, are a fool. You allow yourself to think you have “loyal” followers ... Ha! Wait until they've had it with you ... all the smiling, bowing, heel-clicking idiots will turn on you too. And you will deserve it, because if you allow people like Herr Schmidt to go on with lying and cheating, and being disloyal, one day all the Schmidts in Germany will find you out and you will finish as the dumb little corporal you started as, and you'll never know what hit you ... He really has to be stupid ... because he doesn't know about the people he thinks are loyal Germans ... ha! What are you staring at? Didn't you ever see a man drink before? What's the matter? Haven't you guys a sense of humor? You must have! Look how you're dressed! Grown men in their black coats and gloves ... like in a movie ... Real cloak and dagger stuff ... Didn't you Gestapo guys ever know that everybody can spot you a mile away? Listen, if you really wanted to be unnoticed ... You should dress like plain people, then nobody would know you ... You might even wear straw hats and shorts ... Straw hats and shorts!! That's funny! Now that's really funny, isn't it? Straw hats and shorts! Well, isn't that funny? Think of it ... that's funny! Why don't you laugh? I know why you're not laughing ... Because things you hear, you have to think about ... I'll show you something that you'll laugh at because all you'll have to do is watch ...We vill conquer the world ... Heil me! Heil me! Heil me!

Helmut doth protest too much when even other concentration camp inmates don't think he's funny:

I am a clown. I am, I am. Come back, damn you, come back -- Listen to the children ... They're laughing -- Come see ... I AM a clown!

Helmut, in the movie's highly moving climax, leads those laffing kiddies into the death chamber:

Look, Im a Jack-in-the-box. We're all Jacks-in the box -- the same box. Everybody's eyes shut? Now, think about your mommys and daddys ... There, don't you see them? Can't you see their faces? So you see! They're right here with you. All you have to do is look into your hearts. ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT, I'M BACK! Now, everybody just back away and sit down, because “Helmut the Great” will perform weird and wonderful tasks for you, AND WE WILL HAVE a good time ...

No, Helmut, nobody will ever have a good time again. PLEASE GOD someone release this film.
Tags: movies
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  • Gone Yard

    It’s baseball season, and that, friends, is the best of all seasons. Baseball writers, who, given their love of a game that has historical…

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