THERE'S NOTHING MORE PATHETIC THAN A FAILED EXORCIST
First day of school for aspiring Vatican exorcists
UNLESS, OF COURSE, IT'S A FAILED DEMONOLOGIST
ROME (Reuters) - It was the first day of school, so some students were understandably nervous. But then again, they were not taking just any course, but one run by a Vatican university to teach aspiring demonologists and exorcists.
WE'RE GOING TO START YOU OUT ON THE DEMON TACKLING DUMMY
"There is no doubt that the devil is intervening more in the life of man these days," Father Paolo Scarafoni told the students, most of them priests who want to learn how to tackle the demon if they should ever encounter him.
SEASONAL AFFECTIVE DISORDER AND AN ASSAULT BY THE MINIONS OF SATAN: TELLING THE DIFFERENCE
"Not all of you will become exorcists but it is indispensable that every priest knows how to discern between demonic possession and psychological problems," he said.
SURE, IT SOUNDS HARSH, BUT IN THE FOURTH MONTH EVERYONE GETS A BAD CASE OF SENIORITIS
The four-month course, called "Exorcism and the Prayer of Liberation," is being offered for the second year by Pontifical Regina Apostolorum University on Rome's outskirts.
YOU KNOW, I'D ALMOST PAY TO HEAR A LECTURE ON THE LEGAL ASPECTS OF DEMONIC POSSESSION
The about 120 students from around the world will hear lectures on topics such as the pastoral, spiritual, theological, liturgical, medical, legal and criminological aspects of Satanism and demonic possession.
PROBLEM: DEMONS DO NOT EXIST. CORRELATED ISSUES: YOU'RE AN IDIOT.
One planned lecture is called: "Problems related to exorcism and correlated issues."
NO, NOT THE ALTAR BOY WHO DIDN'T KNOW WHEN TO KEEP HIS TRAP SHUT, A DIFFERENT UNSETTLING EXPERIENCE
One priest, who asked not to be identified, said he decided to take the course after a "very unsettling experience" while hearing the confession of one young member of his parish.
I HEAR MERYL STREEP HAS THAT
"Her voice changed, her face was transformed and she started speaking in a language that she did not know," he said. "I've met people who are suffering from this problem and it is not as rare as we might imagine."
THIS MAN IS A QUALIFIED IMP-CHASER, PEOPLE
Father Giuseppe Nanni said there are four sure signs that pointed to demonic possession rather than psychological problems.
SO THAT EXPLAINS WHAT'S WRONG WITH THOSE MONTESSORI KIDS, JACK LALANNE, THE GUYS IN MAYHEM, AND ME
"When someone speaks or understands languages they normally do not; when their physical strength is disproportionate to their body size or age; when they are suddenly knowledgeable about occult practices; when they have a physical aversion to sacred things, such as the communion host or prayers."
THE OPERANT WORDS IN THIS PARAGRAPH ARE "MAKING UP"
According to some estimates, as many as 5,000 people are thought to be members of Satanic cults in Italy with 17-to 25-year-olds making up three quarters of them.
BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT TO GET STUCK USING AN OUTDATED RITUAL WHEN YOU'RE USING MAGIC TO CHASE INVISIBLE MONSTERS OUT OF PEOPLE'S SOULS
In 1999, the Vatican updated its ritual for exorcism. It starts with prayers, a blessing and sprinkling of holy water, the laying on of hands on the possessed, and the making of the sign of the cross. The formula begins: "I order you, Satan..." It goes on to denounce Satan as "prince of this world" and "enemy of human salvation."
HA! KISS MYSELF!
It ends: "Go back, Satan."