Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator (ludickid) wrote,
Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator

What I've learned from a week of listening to sports talk radio

- Guys are an endangered minority group in America today, and should be catered to like babies with cholera. The best way to do this is to constantly surround them, like hothouse orchids, with easy access to breasts, sports memorabilia, and too much fried food.

- Speaking of food, here is what a sports talk radio listener apparently thinks of as a multifarious menu: burgers, salads, sandwiches AND appetizers. My head is spinning! I'm drowned in choice!

- Sports is far and away the most important thing in life. Nothing can be attempted -- marriage, childbirth, the cutting of one's hair -- without the time, date and nature of upcoming sporting events can be considered.

- That said, not all sports are equal. The third game of the World Series, for example, is less worthy of discussion than a meaningless mid-season pro football contest, and nothing is more worthy of discussion than golf.

- Golf, by the way, is pronounced "goff", and football is pronounced like something between "fooble" and "fuhbawl".

- For people who will apparently gamble on anything and everything, sports talk radio listeners do not seem to have a very clear ideation of how oddsmaking works.

- Sports fans do not want to hear anything about, or from, black people or women. They do, however, appreciate references to mistresses.

- The sports talk radio listener wants to make a lot of money with a minimum of work, preferably by investing in something or franchising something. He is fat and probably a bit angry; he is probably married or in a relationship, but he also needs to know how late the strip clubs are open. He will buy anything if it is pitched to him by a breathy-voiced female who starts her spiel by saying "Heeeeeeey, guys." He knows that the second-worst thing that can happen to a human being is sexual dysfunction, perceived or actual, and that the single worst thing that can happen is baldness.
Tags: sports

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