ANCIENT MUMMY RETURNS TO LIFE, DELIVERS BORING LECTURE
Boston, Mass. -The preserved, mummified corpse of the ancient Pharaoh Aten-Khabu, currently part of a touring display of Victoriana, returned to life today and, quelling fears of a deadly rampage against the men who defiled his tomb, instead delivered a lengthy talk on obscure aspects of Old Kingdom culture and court politics. Described by various onlookers as “boring”, “tedious”, and “drier than the bones of which he is made”, Aten-Khabu’s lecture resulted in zero fatalities, but a number of cancelled museum memberships. The only people taking an interest in his senseless orgy of soporific discourse were Boston’s three remaining Egyptologists. Aten-Khabu reports that he is “simply happy to have someone take an interest in me.”
UNHOLY SPAWN OF EVIL TAKING IT EASY THIS HALLOWEEN
Castle Dracula, Transylvania -"We're just saying, we don't see a need to work all that hard this time around." So says Vlad Tepes, undead master of evil and former King of the Vampires, speaking from his dark manse on the coming season. "Frankly, with all the murder, torture, decapitations, car-bombings, terrorism, fundamentalist repression, et cetera, I kind of feel like we can kick back and relax. I mean, Adam, Spawn of Frankenstein, has been reading up on his Fin de Siecle poets anyway, the Wolfman's been considering electrolysis, and I've got this entomology kick going on. You guys, you're doing great, just keep it up." The last time that the fiends of the darkness took a vacation over the holiday season was in the aftermath of the Cuban Missile Crisis.
HORRIFIC AQUATIC MONSTER ASSAILED FOR CULTURAL INSENSITIVITY
Brasilia, Brazil -A malformed, murderous half-man half-fish creature, designated Eucritta melanolimnetes by scientists and popularly known as ‘Gill Man’, is being widely criticized by a number of activist groups for his alleged lack of racial and social responsibility. “Why does he call his home the ‘Black Lagoon’?”, Afro-Brazilian Activist Manu DeRosa asked at a press conference today held by Students Marking Each of Gill Man’s Malicious Attacks, a volunteer creature-watch organization. “What does this say about my people, that we are swamp-dwelling monsters?” Added Cristina Domani, spokesperson for AnthroPiscia Brazil, “We want the world to know that not all bizarre, scaly aqua-humanoids are frightening beasts you have to fight off with a speargun. Some of us are mothers, students, doctors. Well, not doctors.”
ANTI-CHRIST WALKS THE EARTH, IS VERY POPULAR
Houston, Texas - The Beast of Revelations was surprised by the throngs of Christians who expressed glee and satisfaction at the coming apocalypse he was planning to engineer and bring unto fruition. "To be honest, it's kind of depressing to find out that the most ardent believers in my eternal heavenly foe are so looking forward to this. I mean, I was planning on using the UN to create a one-world government, brand everyone with a bar code, and topple the free nations of the Earth to bring about the creation of my Palace of Torment... and I find out they're all excited about it, convinced it's just playing into God's plan, and they’re totally rooting me on. To be honest, it's off-putting. Maybe I'll just say ‘fuck it’ and start a chain of theme restaurants."
LIVING DIGESTIVE SYSTEM PROVES LESS TERRIFYING THAN LIVING SKELETON
London, England - Lord Kelmoth the Black (nee Horace Ballysponder), the necromancer responsible for the creation in the 1950s of living skeletons, is recalling his latest unholy minion, the living digestive system, due to overwhelmingly negative response. “I had good follow-up to the living skeleton with the living nervous system, the floating head, and even the living circulatory system, which though it wasn’t that effective, at least was really bloody,” explained Kelmoth, speaking to a reporter from Night Terrors Dime Store Shopper. “But this new one, which is a disembodied stomach, esophagus, large and small intestine, and anus, hasn’t really proven to be frightening so much as, well, gross.” Bystanders proved to be more disgusted than terrified by the grotesque noises and unpleasant smells generated by the evil being. Kelmoth plans on revamping the design, and in the meantime suggests that black sorcerers in need of vile hench-creatures look to his previous designs, including the wildly successful Just-Nails-And-Hair model.
VAMPIRE ASSAULT THWARTED BY DAYLIGHT SAVINGS
Seattle, Washington - A small army of the thirsty dead were incinerated by the sun while arguing about how much time they had left before sunrise this morning. "Well, at first the big bald vampire who'd corralled us in this abandoned warehouse started saying something about how it was past time to change the clock to the pale busty chick in the revealing black dress" reports Eric Haddock, survivor of the nightmarish attack. "Then the deformed hunchback with the collection of spiders said that he was pretty sure it was 'spring forward, fall back' but they ignored him and kept yelling back and forth about how they had plenty of time or that the flaming kiss of the sun would soon light their bones from within, so I went upstairs and got a big sheet of industrial glass and reflected the dawn down on them. It burned them up good." No word has yet from the unseen master vampire on the feasibility of buying his minions a calendar.
GRAVE ROBBERS, MAD SCIENTISTS SPEAK OUT AGAINST OBESITY EPIDEMIC
Washington, DC - Spokesmen from the American Mad Scientists Coalition and the Amalgamated Graverobbers Union held a press conference today in which they spoke out against the growing problem of obesity in the United States. AMSC spokesman Dr. Friedrick ‘Dusty’ Von Kleinfort noted that while obesity is causing more and more fatalities, giving him and other scientists who specialize in the reanimation of dead bodies additional raw materials, “Enough is enough, America.” Dr. Herbert West of the AMSC added, “Who’s going to be terrified of an evil monster created from these flab-bags? You see a reanimated ghoul made of modern Americans waddling down the street at you, you’re not going to run in terror; he couldn’t catch you anyway, and even if he did he’d just get distracted by the nearest Burger King.” Igor O’Sullivan of the AGU noted that his union’s membership recorded a record number of hernias, back injuries and muscle strain in 2004.
TEENAGERS DELIBERATELY SEEKING OUT WEREWOLVES, VAMPIRES, EVEN ZOMBIES
Lubbock, Texas - Texas state officials report a disturbing trend: youngsters are contracting vampirism, lycanthropy and even the accursed hunger for the brains of the living deliberately in an attempt to become more popular with their peers. "We fear that monsterism is the newest form of teen rebellion" stated James Lynn Tanzinger of the Texas Rangers. "We're seeing an alarming rise in apathetic vampires, moody, alienated werewolves and ineffectual, timid zombies these past few months." Students report that it's another case of overreaction by adults. "Sure, you see a few more people getting vamped nowadays, and my cousin's gone total zomb the last couple of months, but it's not like everyone I know is a creature of the night. And most of the kids into that keep to themselves anyway,” reported Miranda Tanzinger. "My dad's just upset cause my brother thinks that Carmilla Bathory across the street looks hot now that she hungers for the blood of the living."