Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator (ludickid) wrote,
Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator

What we learned from Friday's poll

1. The majority of you, who obviously do not occupy a seat on the bleeding edge of modern literary trends, were unaware that there is a name for very short fiction. 21% of you said all the names for it are stupid without offering an alternative, because goodness knows it's very easy to find fault. Of those of you expressing a preference, an equally numbered majority preferred the eminently practical "very short fiction" and the cool science-fictiony-sounding "nanofiction". No one liked "postcard fiction", as somewhere, Jennifer Amey cries real tears.

2. More people voted in this poll than in any of the Friday polls to date. The reason for this was unclear; possibly more peoples' jobs have been unfulfilling of late, or respondents mistakenly believed that answering the 'what do you want for Christmas?' question would actually result in my giving them gifts.

3. Despite the claim that there is a liberal war on Christmas, and the fact that my friends list is almost entirely populated with America-hating leftist swine, a whopping 78% of correspondents cop the celebrating Christmas. Only one of you whitebread cracker motherfuckers give any love to Kwanzaa, and a big fat zero of you chose Eid as something to cheer. 9% of you are dirty Christ-killing Jews; 10% think your own birthday is more important than that of Jesus; and 23% of you celebrate a made-up holiday from a now-canceled television show. Surprisingly, only 40% of you mercenary bastards will celebrate any bullshit holiday as lng as you get something out of it.

4. A staggering 92% of respondents confirm that the battery-powered remote control fiber optic snowman figurine is telling me to kill the President. Wait, that was a different poll.

5. Proving that I am awesome you are all lame I am a pretentious elitist snob, a majority 40% of you have never heard any of my Critics' Poll choices for the ten best albums of 2005. An additional 20% of you chose to gratuitously insult me, and 12% of you found it necessary to affirm your allegience to Billy "Piano Man" Joel. A meager three of you have heard any of my rap of metal selections. The most commonly heard album was Sufjan Stevens' Come On Feel the Illinoise!, followed closely by the Decemberists' Picaresque; only 9 of you say you've heard M.I.A.'s Arular, which is hard to believe given its ubiquity of late. Conclusion: Booooo, me.

6. The most popular vulgarized Christmas carol was "Fuckface the Snowman", the complete lyrics of which I offer you

Fuckface the Snowman was a jolly fucking soul
With a cornhole pipe and a fucked-up nose and two eyes of shitty coal
Fuckface the Snowman was a fairy, people say
He was made of snow, but the children know how he fucked with them one day

There must have been some magic in that old condom they found
For when they put his carrot in he began to fuck around!

Fuckface the Snowman was as fucked as he could be
And the children say he could laugh and play and could fuck like you and me

Fuckity fuck fuck, fuckity fuck fuck
Look at Fuckface go
Fuckity fuck fuck, fuckity fuck fuck
Through the fuckin' snow

Fuckface the snowman knew the sun was fucking gay
So he said "Best run or I'll kill you, son, 'fore I fuckin' melt away"
Down to the village with a fuck-stick in his hand
Ruinning here and there all around the square saying "Fuck me if you can"

He chased them down the streets of town, then met some asshole cop
Who pumped six bullets up his ass -- oh, how Fuckface did drop!

Fuckface the Snowman, buried in a pauper's hole
But to this same day, you can hear him say "Fuckin' cheap-ass shitty coal".

Fuckity fuck fuck, fuckity fuck fuck
Look at Fuckface go
Fuckity fuck fuck, fuckity fuck fuck
Someone call out the P.O.

7. Finally, way too many of you want happy children and world piece this Christmas, and far too few of you want giant robots and sacks of cocaine. But Santa Dog is generous, and he may yet move mountains. Happy Festivus!
Tags: trivium

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