Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator (ludickid) wrote,
Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator

Worse! The Musical

People love to say that someone or something is worse than Hitler. How can we know for sure? Many methods have been tried (including a mathematical calculus devised by fiberpunk and myself, but no one has ever thought to ask the man himself.

Muslims (source: Pat Robertson).

Hitler's response: "Those guys, you know, they talk a good game, but when it comes time to deliver, they got nothing. I remember during the war, we got wind of how much they hated the Jews, so we hooked a bunch of them up in some squadrons in Italy, and you know what we got out of it? A bunch of fucking headaches is what. Loafers, I would call them. Do-nothings, I would also call them. They got so bent out of shape when my officers called them worthless dusky chimp-men that we had to bring in a mullah or a imam or something to calm them down. Forget these guys, they don't have a patch on me."

Mao Tse Tung (source: libertarian historian R.J. Rummel).

Hitler's response: "Are you kidding me or what? No dinky rat-faced Chinaman is worse than Hitler. I don't care what his alleged bodycount is, deliberate starvation and resource mismanagement is no way to achieve respectable megadeaths. You kill people in wars! Or concentration camps! Not by just standing back and letting nature take its course. That's not genocide, that's just laziness. Even the stupid Japs were better than this guy; they at least had the stones to kill people in a nice straightforward war, or by torture or slavery. Get this guy out of here."

Christopher Columbus (source: Hugo Chavez).

Hitler's response: "Okay, at least we're finally getting serious. Against him, Columbus has the fact that he didn't actually kill off all the Indians himself, and that they were just savage human roaches, not caluclating, powerful demons in human shape like the Jews. But he did kill a shitload of them, and his actions eventually led to the founding of America, a country that caused me no end of trouble. Worse than me? Hardly. But a big pain the ass, on this we can all agree. Also, what is up with these pants I'm wearing?"

George W. Bush (source: Dr. Lillian Friedberg, among many, many others).

Hitler's response: "Man, no way. Give me a break. This guy might be worse than Goebbels -- he's really got the propaganda thing down -- but worse than my ass? Forget it. We killed more people in Poland alone than he has in three years in Iraq. And given how much his people hate liberals, I don't see a single concentration camp. Well, except for the towelheads. A piker. Move on."

Jose Maria Aznar (source: Hugo Chavez).

Hitler's response: "Okay, I don't know who Jose Maria Aznar is, but I do know that Hugo Chavez needs to tone it down a bit."

Saddam Hussein (source: George H.W. Bush).

Hitler's response: "This guy, I like. He's got gumption, he's got spirit, he didn't just lay down and die at his trial like certain fairweather friends I could mention, and he knew what genocide was all about. When he wanted to kill people, he did it with wars and poison gases, not wimpy starvation. Given enough time and resources and less meddling from the verdammt United States, he could have been worse than me. But my main strike against him is that he patterened himself after that showboating Josef Stalin instead of me! Come on, man. Where's the love for Adolf? Nice mustache, though."

Guantanamo Bay detainees (source: Rep. Frank LoBiondo [R., NJ]).

Hitler's response: "LoBiondo should apologize. I killed 10 million people, plunged the entire world into a huge war that completely changed the path of history, and became the living definition of unremorseful evil. These are a bunch of dingbats who shot rickety Soviet-era rifles at some invading soldiers. If they're worse than Hitler, so is Jed Clampett. I'm insulted."
Tags: fotos, laffs

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