Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator (ludickid) wrote,
Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator

96 Theses Minus 95 Plus 1 Equals Love

I was reading the other day about how the federal government funds abstinence programs in high schools to the tune of something like two hundred million dollars a year, and that a recent audit of these programs has revealed that eleven of thirteen of them contain misleading, erroneous or untrue information. And just this morning, I read a piece in the Chicago Reader about how Illinois abstinence progams -- which are very quickly replacing comprehensive programs as the norm in public schools -- only mention contraception in the context of illustrating how they can fail. One of the spokespeople for the abstinence programs claimed that (despite actual evidence to the contrary) if you tell kids about contraception, it makes it more likely that they will engage in premarital sex, so they think it is better to not tell them about contraception and stick to abstinence only.

THESIS #1: Teaching teenagers about abstinence alone and excluding any discussion of birth control is like putting a bunch of people in an old wooden house with defective furnaces, kerosene lamps and a bunch of oily rags everywhere, and then telling them not to start any fires, but not mentioning the location and proper use of the fire extinguishers.

Meanwhile, on other birth-control fronts, this morning, I went out to my car and discovered, next to the passenger-side door, a large pink condom. It was in a state of disrepair and had clearly been utilized for purposes unsanctioned by God's holy gift of matrimony. This caused me to engage in speculation.

THESIS #2: Someone had sex in my car overnight.

The argument against: my car was still locked, and the inside did not look or smell like anyone had been fucking in it.

THESIS #3: Someone had sex next to or near my car last night.

The argument against: it was very cold last night -- windy with light snow and a low of around 15 degrees. No matter how determined and horny, it seems unlikely that anyone would have sexual congress in such conditions. Also there were no assprints on the side of my car.

THESIS #4: Someone had sex inside a nearby dwelling, then dropped the condom used during said sex next to my car on their way out.

The argument against: Why would you carry a soiled condom outside with you? Why not just dispose of it indoors?

THESIS #5: Someone had sex in their own car/cab/garbage truck, then tossed the condom outside, where it landed near my car.

I think this one's the winner, but I don't feel very happy about it.
Tags: diary

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