Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator (ludickid) wrote,
Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator
ludickid

Lileks Watch, Day Jillion and Four

Before getting to a lengthy passage where he berates underpaid retail clerks for the ten thousandth time, Jimmy leads off his column this way:

Sent Gnat to school with a purple finger today. Explained it as best as I could.

That's it. Since we're not privy to exactly what the explanation was as to his involving his five-year-old daughter in his asinine partisan poltical grandstanding, I decided to speculate.

"Well, honey, there's this land, very far away, called Iraq. And a long time ago, before you were born, the dictator of Iraq made the old president -- you know the one I'm always talking about, the one who's keeping the bad terrorists from disemboweling you? his dad -- very angry. So the new president -- the one we have now, the one who let daddy buy a new downstairs fragrance infuser -- decided to send soldiers over there to beat up the dictator of Iraq and free all the people. Now, do you know what free people do? Yes, they get to keep all the money they earn! Good! But also, they get to vote. They get to pick who their leader is, as long as he isn't a commie or the wrong kind of religious fanatic. So we told all the people in Iraq who they could vote for, and they picked them, because they're free now! Also, they got to pick whether or not to have a new constitution. They decided they would, because even though none of them wrote it and hardly any of them have read it or even gotten to see it, they've been told that it's really good. Anyway, in Iraq, when people vote, they get a purple ink mark on their finger to prove they've done it. And over here, we're so proud that we've brought them this gift of freedom, we've decided to do the same thing by putting purple ink on our own fingers! Also, we do it to shame everybody who didn't support the war. In fact it's mostly that.

No, honey, we won't do this for EVERY country that votes! A lot of countries came up with the idea of voting all by themselves, with no help from us. Oh, you know, like France. Yes, that's right! The country that has a death wish and is full of snooty jerks! Anyway, it wouldn't humiliate liberals to celebrate France voting, because they've been doing it for a really long time without our help. And, for example, we won't celebrate Germany voting, because they elect people who are mean jerks and raise taxes to pay for fat-cat union benefits and useless environmental legislation. And we won't celebrate East Timor voting, because even though they used to be controlled by a bloody dictator like the one in Iraq -- well, he was on our side, so he wasn't so bad. Plus the Timorese were freed not by us, but by the United Nations, and we all know that the United Nations are what, honey? That's right! Squabbling and ineffectual! So they couldn't possibly have done it. It probably didn't even happen.

So, long story short, we only have to do this for Iraq, because they represent the best kind of democracy. For now."

Will she have some stories at school!
Tags: lileks watch, politics
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