SIGNS THAT CHRISTMAS IS ON THE WAY
1. People start feeling sorry for Muslims and Jews instead of hating them
2. Junk food acquires festive package redesign
3. Forests are decimated for harvesting of Christmas trees rather than for making grazing land for future Big Macs
4. Characters on popular television shows suddenly manifest brief interest in the lives of other human beings
5. Normal American consumerist frenzy becomes rabid consumerist psychotic breakdown
WHAT JESUS IS DOING FOR HIS BIRTHDAY
1. Making prank phone calls to Barrabas
2. Resisting urge to tell Mary that all He ever wears is a robe and sandals, so maybe just once she could refrain from buying Him a necktie
3. Telling all His friends for the 1,995th time how much it sucks to have your birthday and Christmas on the same day
4. Wondering what it would have been like if He'd taken Satan up on the whole temptation thing
5. Having a nice, quiet get-together where he invites a few of his closest friends who didn't send him to Earth to get horribly tortured and murdered; not inviting Dad
REALISTIC NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS FOR THE NON-GOAL-ORIENTED
1. Getting up at some point, or at least trying to avoid bedsores.
2. Eating less. Or possibly more. At the very least, making some sort of change in dietary habits. For example, no more egg nog after the holidays.
3. Making vow not to follow in footsteps of Hitler, Stalin, or Pol Pot. For the most part.
4. Finally getting around to making a list of all the books you meant to read over the last few years.
5. Creating new set of resolutions this time next year.
MORE CHRISTMAS MYTHS EXPLODED
1. Wise men not all that wise, as evidenced by their bad financial investments, foolish romantic entanglements, and prediction that the Saducees were the "horse to bet on", theologically speaking
2. Shepherds were not actually keeping watch over flocks by night, but were all just hanging out in the fields getting high
3. Jesus' virgin birth slightly less miraculous when you got a look at the guy who delivered pizza in Joseph's neighborhood
4. Herod's order to kill every first-born child was initially order to count every first-born child, taken to extremes by unstable census worker faced with unusually high fertility rates
5. There was room at the inn, but Joseph had maxed out all his credit cards on a kegger for him and the other boys at the carpenter's shop
A WU-TANG CHRISTMAS
1. On the first day of Christmas, Inspectah gave to me tracks like quarterback sacks from L.T.
2. On the second day of Christmas, the Meth Man gave to me another corn chopped by the Wu-Tang sword
3. On the third day of Christmas, the RZA gave to me eighty proof Absolut mixed with cranberry fruit juice
4. On the fourth day of Christmas, Chef Raekwon gave to me style wilder than a praying mantis
5. On the fifth day of Christmas, the U-God gave to me golden pinky rings (shit!)
6. On the sixth day of Christmas, the Ghostface gave to me golden brass diamond embroideries
7. On the seventh day of Christmas, Cappadonna gave to me somethin' in the street went BANG-BANG
8. On the eighth day of Christmas, the Masta gave to me trendsetters in Wu leathers, whatever
9. On the ninth day of Christmas, O.D.B. gave to me a walk with the Nine-Finger Bandits worldwide
10. On the tenth day of Christmas, Street Life gave to me an egg crashed by his hellz wind staff
11. On the eleventh day of Christmas, dog Shyheim gave to me an N.W.A. with a nineteen-shot Glizzy
12. On the twelfth day of Christmas, the GZA gave to me the rudeness, the reckless, the motherfuckin' ruckus
ATHEIST CHRISTMAS TRADITIONS
1. The drinking of the secular eggnog laced with cognac
2. The hanging out with Jewish friends and snickering
3. The not feeling guilty because we're spending our savior's birthday helping our kid assemble a $300 scooter
4. The rolling of the eyes at the B.C. Christmas cartoon
5. The retelling of the story of Christ, with a special emphasis on how God totally played him for a chump
ST. NICK'S ASSISTANTS
1. St. Rick (responsible for delivering 'adult' presents like lingerie and sex toys, so Santa doesn't traumatize any children by accidentally leaving the wrong package)
2. St. Mick (stocking up on booze)
3. St. Slick (putting a brand-new tube of bright orange lipstick in every good hooker's fishnet stocking)
4. St. Hick (wavin' around a shootin' iron an' tellin' the revenooers to git off yer property)
5. St. Dick ("looking after" Mrs. Claus while Santa is away)
ELF LABOR LAWS
1. must never be called "little people"
2. no work on Easter, Martin Luther King Day, Elfest, and other major Elven holidays
3. reparations from Dudley Moore
4. no more working outside because "it's such a nice day, for the north pole"
5. Mrs. Claus keeps her racist jokes to herself
1. didn't get any licensing money for Bad Santa
2. those claim-jumping bastards at eClaus.com
3. Just For Men is really hard to find up here
4. PETA getting on my ass about the fucking reindeer
5. too many cookies, not enough gin
NEW HOLIDAY CLASSICS
1. "Jingle Bell Drum 'n' Bass Odyssey"
2. "God Rest Ye, Mary Gentlemen"
3. "O Come All Ye Marianne Faithfull"
4. "Put a Little Jesus in Your Eggnog"
5. "A Bill Buckley Christmas"
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS
1. My two front teeth
2. My left kidney
3. The second, fourth and fifth fingers of my right hand
4. The lower three inches of my spine
5. All the other stuff I lost in the fight with that security guard at SantaLand Village
SHORT-LIVED NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS
1. Patch things up with Poland (Adolf Hitler, 1938)
2. Stay away from the nurses (Richard Speck, 1966)
3. Get serious about finishing the novel (J.D. Salinger, 1964-present)
4. Ask the guys to let me back in the band (Pete Best, 1963)
5. Don't get wiped out by, I dunno, a giant tidal wave or something (Rasham Puriman, 2004)
WHY 2005 WILL BE THE BEST YEAR EVER
1. adds up to lucky seven!
2. possible Rolling Stones farewell tour, this time for sure!
3. that Osama bin-Laden guy has been keeping pretty quiet!
4. manned mission to Mars, any day now!
5. Martha Stewart gets out of jail and can get back to running her benevolent, folksy multi-billion-dollar merchandising empire!
POSSIBLE REPLACEMENTS FOR DICK CLARK'S NEW YEAR'S ROCKIN' EVE
1. David Brock & Media Matters' New Year's Brockin' Eve
2. Don Dokken's New Year's Dokken Eve
3. Father Paul Shanley's New Year's Defrockin' Eve
4. Mobb Deep's New Year's Glockin' Eve
5. Shabbadoo Quinones & the Boogaloo Shrimp's New Year's Poppin' and Lockin' Eve
NEW YEAR'S CHILDREN'S SPECIALS
1. 1974: The Little Year That Couldn't
2. A Toilet-Trained New Year
3. How To Get Out of a Resolution with Tom Arnold
4. Ring in the New Year By Buying More Yugi-Oh Booster Packs
5. Old Man 2005 & Baby 2006: A Celebration of Diapers