Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator (ludickid) wrote,
Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator
ludickid

Everybody wants my Oscar pics


The BEST PICTURE nominees are:

"Brokeback Mountain", a film about cowboys who wear pink underpants and have sissy slap fights; "Capote", a film about a writer who wears pink underpants and has sissy slap fights; "Crash", a film about how the Negroes are trying to kill us; "Good Night and Good Luck", a movie about a foolish attempt to stand in the way of anticommunism; and "Munich", a movie about why the Olympics were delayed for a couple of hours back in the '30s.

MY PICK: "Crash". Because, seriously, Negroes are scary. Also Mexicans.

The BEST DIRECTOR nominees are: George Clooney, for "Syriana", an expose about how the Middle East is kinda messed up; Paul Haggis, the only director named after oatmeal boiled in a sheep's stomach, for "Crash"; Ang Lee, whose "Brokeback Mountain" proved that even Chinese people can grasp the subtle longing of gay American sheepherders; Bennett Miller, of whom no one has ever heard, for "Capote", of whom no one has ever heard; and Big Steve Spielberg for "Munich", the second of his trilogy of films about how Germans enjoy it when Jews die.

MY PICK: "Munich", for its brave message that killing is bad.

The BEST ACTOR nominees are: Philip Seymour Hoffman, playing himself in "Capote"; Terence Howard, a black person, for "Hustle & Flow"; Heath Ledger, making many internet-using teenage girls sad and many internet-using middle-aged women happy in "Brokeback Mountain"; Joaquin Phoenix, who did a lot of research for his role as a coke-addled celebrity in "Walk the Line"; and David Strathairn as your dad in "Good Night and Good Luck".

MY PICK: Joaquin Phoenix, because he's the only guy not playing a fruit, a commie or a colored.

The BEST ACTRESS nominees are: Judi Dench for "Mrs. Henderson Presents", whatever that is; Felicity Huffman as an American trans in "TransAmerica"; Keira Knightley and her digitally enhanced breasts in "Pride & Prejudice"; Charlize Theron in her latest dress-down drama, "North Country"; and Reese Witherspoon as Johnny Cash's sister in "Walk the Line".

MY PICK: Felicity Huffman, because she's really playing a dude, and this way we don't have to give a chick the Oscar.

The BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR nominees are: George Clooney as the director in "Syriana"; Matt Dillon as a brave policeman who forms part of the thin blue line that stands between us and blacks in "Crash"; Paul Giamatti as a misshapen freak in "Cinderella Man"; Jake Gyllenhaal as a guy who can't legally get married in Montana in "Brokeback Mountain"; and William Hurt as Superman's father Jor-El in "A History of Violence".

MY PICK: George Clooney. Seriously, doesn't the guy deserve a little attention for once?

Finally, the BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS nominees are: Amy Adams as an extremely enthusiastic young woman in "Junebug"; Catherine Keener as Truman Capote's personal fag-hag in "Capote"; Frances McDormand as the Charlize Theron of the future in "North Country"; Rachel Weisz as a woman in "The Constant Gardener"; and Michelle Williams in the least satisfying role in "Brokeback Mountain", including that of the mountain.

MY PICK: Adams and Weisz were both fantastic, and Keener and McDormand are two of our greatest actresses, but I'm going to go with Williams, because I think women named Michelle should win lots of awards.
Tags: laffs, movies
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  • The Party of What People?

    This will be my last entry of 2016.  Next year will begin, barring some unexpected act of fate, with the ascension to the presidency of Donald…

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