The BEST PICTURE nominees are:
"Brokeback Mountain", a film about cowboys who wear pink underpants and have sissy slap fights; "Capote", a film about a writer who wears pink underpants and has sissy slap fights; "Crash", a film about how the Negroes are trying to kill us; "Good Night and Good Luck", a movie about a foolish attempt to stand in the way of anticommunism; and "Munich", a movie about why the Olympics were delayed for a couple of hours back in the '30s.
MY PICK: "Crash". Because, seriously, Negroes are scary. Also Mexicans.
The BEST DIRECTOR nominees are: George Clooney, for "Syriana", an expose about how the Middle East is kinda messed up; Paul Haggis, the only director named after oatmeal boiled in a sheep's stomach, for "Crash"; Ang Lee, whose "Brokeback Mountain" proved that even Chinese people can grasp the subtle longing of gay American sheepherders; Bennett Miller, of whom no one has ever heard, for "Capote", of whom no one has ever heard; and Big Steve Spielberg for "Munich", the second of his trilogy of films about how Germans enjoy it when Jews die.
MY PICK: "Munich", for its brave message that killing is bad.
The BEST ACTOR nominees are: Philip Seymour Hoffman, playing himself in "Capote"; Terence Howard, a black person, for "Hustle & Flow"; Heath Ledger, making many internet-using teenage girls sad and many internet-using middle-aged women happy in "Brokeback Mountain"; Joaquin Phoenix, who did a lot of research for his role as a coke-addled celebrity in "Walk the Line"; and David Strathairn as your dad in "Good Night and Good Luck".
MY PICK: Joaquin Phoenix, because he's the only guy not playing a fruit, a commie or a colored.
The BEST ACTRESS nominees are: Judi Dench for "Mrs. Henderson Presents", whatever that is; Felicity Huffman as an American trans in "TransAmerica"; Keira Knightley and her digitally enhanced breasts in "Pride & Prejudice"; Charlize Theron in her latest dress-down drama, "North Country"; and Reese Witherspoon as Johnny Cash's sister in "Walk the Line".
MY PICK: Felicity Huffman, because she's really playing a dude, and this way we don't have to give a chick the Oscar.
The BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR nominees are: George Clooney as the director in "Syriana"; Matt Dillon as a brave policeman who forms part of the thin blue line that stands between us and blacks in "Crash"; Paul Giamatti as a misshapen freak in "Cinderella Man"; Jake Gyllenhaal as a guy who can't legally get married in Montana in "Brokeback Mountain"; and William Hurt as Superman's father Jor-El in "A History of Violence".
MY PICK: George Clooney. Seriously, doesn't the guy deserve a little attention for once?
Finally, the BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS nominees are: Amy Adams as an extremely enthusiastic young woman in "Junebug"; Catherine Keener as Truman Capote's personal fag-hag in "Capote"; Frances McDormand as the Charlize Theron of the future in "North Country"; Rachel Weisz as a woman in "The Constant Gardener"; and Michelle Williams in the least satisfying role in "Brokeback Mountain", including that of the mountain.
MY PICK: Adams and Weisz were both fantastic, and Keener and McDormand are two of our greatest actresses, but I'm going to go with Williams, because I think women named Michelle should win lots of awards.