2. He can take a musclebound man (other than himself) and put his face in the sand.
3. He will make you say "go, L.L.!"
4. He will then either do the wop, or make you say "do the wop". After you have said "go, L.L.!"
5. He has never met a motherfucker who can outrun him.
6. He's better (than you).
7. His rhymes are good.
8. He has a gold nameplate that says "I WISH YOU WOULD".*
9. Before his rhyme is over, he's going to win. You know it.
10. The kid (that is, L.L. Cool J) don't play. You can ask anybody in the crowd, and they will tell you.
11. Sparring competition is both his hobby and his job.
12. He doesn't wear a disguise, because he totalled the mob.
13. There are so many girls on his jock (dick), he thinks his phone is tapped.
14. He's bad (meaning good)!
15. He's like Tyson (back when that meant 'tough boxer', not 'crazy person').
16. His rhymes are made of concrete.
17. He had been rapping for ten years, as of 1987, which means by now he's been rapping for nearly thirty.
18. Even when he's bragging, he's being sincere. It seems contradictory, but it's true.
19. He makes MCs rust like tin (with his rhymes, not with water).
20. He has not relaxed even though he is making records.
21. He is the best rapper you've heard.
22. Prior to attaining the top of the charts, he used to rock in his basement.
23. He is punctual and does not deign to wait in queues.
24. Before engaging him, you have to learn how to rhyme. Because you don't know how, yet.
25. He is the pinnacle, which means he reigns supreme (it doesn't really mean that, but still).
26. He will crush you like a jelly bean.**
27. He eliminates punks by cutting them up in chunks.
28. He's so good, it's a shame (for you!).
29. He eats rappers like a cannibal (who eats rappers).
30. They call him insane (which would be true, if he really ate other rappers, but it's just a metaphor).
31. He enjoys what he's doing (rapping), PLUS he's paid in full! To boot!
32. He's not Buckaroo Banzai (but he's still awesome!).
33. He says the kind of rhymes (good ones) that make MCs wish he would die.
34. He is the baddest (goodest!) rapper in the history of rap itself.***
35. If you want a hit song, all you have to do is give him a pen and a pad and one hour.
36. He can beat (and eat!) MCs in a battle even without the cooperation of the referees.
37. His "Cool J cookies" are superior to Oreos.****
38. When he retires, he will be worshiped like an old battleship (that is worshiped by some sort of battleship cult).
39. His paycheck is large.
40. He is the original Todd. This seems unlikely, but it's true. There were no Todds before him.
41. He can take the skin from a snake and split a pea from a pod.
42. You try to brag, but you get your rhymes from a grab-bag (of low quality).
43. You are a no-good scavenger, and either a catfish and a vulture or a catfish vulture.
44. If a rap battle were a sculpture competition, his tongue would be a chisel.
*:Come on, that's pretty bad-ass.
**: When he says this, I get chills, for real.
***: I mean, seriously, HOLY FUCKING SHIT, right?
****: If there really were Cool J Cookies, I would totally eat them.