Look, I'll be honest with you: I'm approaching close to 200 people on my friends list, and no, I don't read every one of your entries. As a rule, I skip over anything where I am not mentioned by name, because I simply don't have time to read anything that isn't about how great I am. But I do try and catch up on occasion, and I have noticed that there are far too many douchebags around here. What's going on? Douchebags, everywhere I fucking look! I thought all the douchebags were on Friendster and MySpace, yet here they are, douchebagging it up like it's National Douchebag Awareness Week. I can't get into any specifics about it lest I be rightly accused of hypocrisy, but seriously, people: no more douchebaggery. I get enough of that at my job.
2. WHY I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT MARCH MADNESS
It's college basketball, people. Unless you're some kind of directionless alum who gets squishy stones at the thought of your university having a new reason to ask you for money, who cares? If you like college, send the alumni association a check. If you like basketball, watch the NBA -- the play is better, and there are far fewer 58-52 games. Don't give me this horseshit about how the game is more "pure" because the players "want it more"; that's insulting to professionals and exalting of amatuerism for its own sake. And don't even get me started on the sad, cryptopederastic oafs who are into high school sports. Of all the major sporting events, this one is the most bewildering to me. I'd rather watch NASCAR.
3. HOW GODDAMN HILARIOUS THE WHOLE BEN DOMENECH THING IS
Really, lots of people have already covered this; the rapid rise and pratlike fall of America's second-greatest underachiever has been so gleefully proctoscoped by bloggers around the world that it's already old news. A fine precis of it can be found here, on Phil Nugent's consistently excellent blog, but moving forward, the real question is: since the Post has inexplicably decided that they're going to replace Ben Caught Stealing with some other right-wing hack rather than wisely write the whole thing off as a botch-job from inception, who's it going to be? Between plagiarism (Ben Domenech, Monica Crowley), blatant fabrication (Michelle Malkin, Bernard Goldberg) and taking bribes under the table (Walter Williams, George Will), it's getting harder and harder to find scandal-free pundits. The Post needs to find someone relatively young, enthusiastic, relatable, scandal-free, and completely and totally batshit. I suggest Pamela Oshry of Atlas Shrugs; nothing would do more to force this once-great paper about a yard farther down the drain than having to read her crazed ravings every day.
4. HOW INSURANCE OF ALL KINDS, IN ADDITION TO BEING A TOTAL RACKET, IS A HUGE PAIN IN THE ASS
More on this later. Insurance, though, is basically organized, legalized gambling, and like gambling, it's a racket, only with far less enjoyable occasional payoffs. Insurance companies are big and successful for the same reason casinos have nice carpets.
5. HOW MY FRIENDS TOOM ME FOR A LOVELY NIGHT OUT AT HALA KAHIKI THIS WEEKEND
Read all about it here.
6. MY PICKS FOR AN ALL-DEPRESSING MIX CD, AN ALL-JOLLY ONE AND AN ALL ANTI-WAR ONE
I haven't had time to do this, but once I do, I'll post the mp3s for your downloading pleasure. Maybe sometime in late 2009, the way things are going, and by then we'll probably be at war with Jordan, so it'll all seem relevant again.
7. MISSING CHICAGO; ANTICIPATING MINNESOTA
Aside from missing my cats, my wonderful friends, and my job (HA HA no, just kidding with that last one), I've been overcome with melancholy lately pretty much everywhere I go. Which, when you get right down to it, is pretty stupid, because I'll carry the memory of this amazing city with me for the rest of my life, and it's not like I'm never coming back here again. Plus, a lot of it is kinda shallow -- I find myself missing restaurants and quirky little bookstores more than I do things that are essential parts of the city, like the architecture or the way Mayor Daley sweats so much it looks like someone ran a hose on him before every press conference. But still, I'm gonna miss this town. Balancing that, though, is the adventure and excitment of moving to a new place, of learning the quirks and secrets and history of a whole different city (or pair of cities). And, of course, I'm moving there for the three best reasons in the world: I'm going to write, I'm going to help take care of Li'l' Duce, and I'm going to be with the best girl in the world.
8. WHO SHOULD PLAY WONDER WOMAN
Not that shitbag who played the space hooker on "Serenity". Didn't anyone notice that she can't act, or has the Joss-Whedon-is-a-genius Kool-Aid proved so delicious that her detached, has-anyone-seen-my-personality screen presence has thus far avoided mention? Frankly, I don't know why this is even a question as long as Lucy Lawless is still alive, but if we have to go camp, let's throw it to Lindsay Lohan. She'd really sell that "in her satin tights, fighting for our rights" line in the soundtrack.
9. HOW I FELL DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS (THE DAY BEFORE) YESTERDAY
I was taking some trash out and it was dark and rainy and I missed the bottom step. Crash! Down I went, right on the small of my back. Boy did it hurt! Luckily I escaped fatal injury, and treated myself to a healing nutritional Slurpee, in frog flavor. NOTE: the frog flavor of Slurpee sucks. Do not buy it, even if you fell down some stairs. Maybe especially if you fell down some stairs.
10. LIVEJOURNAL INEXPLICABLY GIVING ME A BUNCH OF NEW USER ICONS, ALL OF WHICH I FILLED WITH DOPEY JUSTICE LEAGUE SCREENCAPS