Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator (ludickid) wrote,
Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator
ludickid

Stereotypes I Have Invented In A Week And A Half Productions brings you: THE TWIN CITIES PRO & CON

FACT: There is not a huge amount of traffic here
PRO: It's pretty easy to get around, and if you're an aggressive driver you can own the freeways
CON: People take the speed limit way too seriously

FACT: The Twin Cities feature a lot of archery ranges
PRO: Inviting leisure-time activity for elves and white people
CON: Constant risk of drive-by piercings

FACT: My town has no sidewalks
PRO: No "BURT LUVS TRINA LATIN KINGS 4EVER" scrawls
CON: No sidewalks, man! Deeply unsettling

FACT: Minnesota has very strict liquor laws
PRO: Plentiful, cheap and well-stocked liquor stores
CON: You can't buy booze in grocery stores, or on Sunday

FACT: "Minnesota Nice" apparently died out a few years back, probably because of terrorists
PRO: I don't really like it when strangers are nice to me
CON: "Minnesota Nice" has been replaced by people talking about how "Minnesota Nice" isn't around anymore

FACT: In the last three days, the words "PATRIOT Act" were said to me by three different people
PRO: It was said in each instance with a sort of dismissive, sneering tone
CON: Apparently people actually enforce this PATRIOT Act, whatever it is

FACT: There is a big street up here called Cretin Avenue
PRO: CRETIN!
CON: None

FACT: The Department of Motor Vehicles (sorry, the Department of Driver and Vehicle Services) is very boring
PRO: There are lots of DWI convicts to look at while you wait in line
CON: It takes about a month to actually get your driver's license ("PATRIOT Act")

FACT: The Twin Cities are remarkably, and a bit surprisingly, ethnically diverse
PRO: More selection of foreign foods than might be expected
CON: home food delivery options are lamentable; Chicago dog makings scarce to nonexistent

FACT: This is the coldest GMSA in the United States
PRO: It's April and unseasonably warm; I have a girlfriend
CON: In four months I will be working in an Igloo

Also, I went to the Apple store yesterday, in mortal fear that I would run into James Lileks. Happily, I think he shops at the one at the Mall of America, so my visit to buy an Airport Extreme card was unmarred by a dissertation about how the rappers have ruined everything and how '70s sci fi movies set the tone for the postmodernist destruction of American values.
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    This will be my last entry of 2016.  Next year will begin, barring some unexpected act of fate, with the ascension to the presidency of Donald…

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