1. He is hard as hell.
2. He will battle anybody.
3. He doesn't care who you tell about his willingness to battle anybody.
4. He excels, while other rappers all fail.
5. You have been starvin' like Marvin* for a song performed by him.
6. If you wept because you thought he was dead, you were not only wrong, you were definitely wrong.
7. He is a tower full of power -- wind, rain or hail.
8. He is the king of crowd-rockers (after, presumably, a period as prince of crowd-rockers).
9. He is as true as a wizard (not a lying, deceitful wizard, but a wizard who always tells the truth).
10. He's rhyming and designing** with your girl on his lap. For sex!
11. His bass is kicking and always sticking, because you like it that way.
12. His music makes you dance because it's def, plus it's by Cool J! To boot!
13. He rocks the bells because that's the name of this jam (not "That's", but rather "Rock the Bells").
14. Even though some girls will not like this jam, it is because he makes a lot of money and their boyfriends don't.***
15. He went to hell just to rock the bells!
16. All the washed-up rappers want to do this well. But they can't !
17. He's known worldwide, whether you like it or not. What can you do about it? Nothing!
18. His DJ will never skip it (it=the record), only rip it (the record, again).
19. His DJ's name, by no means incidentally, is Cut Creator.
20. A.K.A. Phil Pott.
21. And this Cut Creator will drive the crossfader like a Cutmobile, which is a sort of fantastic vehicle driven by exceptionally talented DJs.
22. He (L.L. Cool J, not Cut Creator) can go to the store and get the Old Gold. This may not seem all that impressive, but YOU TRY IT! YOU TRY IT! YOU WILL FAIL!
23. If you crappy-lookin', nappy-headed girls do not get back, there is a 10-1 chance that you might get smacked.****
24. Girls are on his tip (dick) simply because L.L. is his name.
25. Cut Creator is good, but Cool J is good-good! That's two goods! Double good!
26. If you bring the woodpecker, he will bring the wood. What good is a woodpecker without wood? It is worse than useless! It's merely a pecker (dick)!
27. He is not a virgin, and thanks to this quality, he will make Madonna scream (for sex)!
28. You have hated Michael (Jackson) and Prince ever since hearing him.
29. If the aforementioned Michael (Jackson) and Prince had beats that were made of meat*****, they (the beats) would have to be mince.
30. He rhymes on time, like the trains under Mussolini.
31. He will cut a record in 1 second.
32. He will make your DJ look blind. He will not actually be blind, but he will look that way to others, except to actual blind people who wouldn't be able to see it.
33. He is able to identify Jheri-curl suckers wearing high-heeled boots as a Froot Loop troop******.
34. Gonna-bes and wanna-bes have difficulty learning that if they want to be like him, they have to wait their turn.
35. Some suckers don't like him, but he doesn't even care.
36. He earns six thousand dollars for twenty minutes of work.*******
37. He is growing and glowing like a forest blaze.
38. If asked if you like Michael (Jackson), you will automatically respond "We like Cool J!".
39. He's on the mic with the help of the bells. Not that he needs any help!********
40. There's no delaying what he's saying as he's rocking you well! That's polite!
*:Possible Marvins you have been starving like: Hamlisch, Hagler, Gaye, Winans.
**: But not designing like some kind of gay interior decorator, no! Just look at that girl (yours!) on his lap!
***: TOTAL BURN ON THEM GIRLS AND THEIR BROKE-ASS BOYFRIENDS
****: Actually, the odds are ten for to one against getting slapped. L.L. Cool J has no time for nerdy bookie math!
*****: They don't.
******: Not in the cereal sense, but in the homo sense.
*******: That's $18,000 per hour, or roughly $37 million per year, in case you were wondering. And that's in 1985 dollars! TOP THAT!
********: As evidence, there are no actual bells in the song!