- Proving that you are a bunch of stuck-up foreign pantywaist commies, you overwhelmingly selected the World Cup (which was won by the dirty cheating Papists of Rome) as your most anticipated sporting event of the summer. That is, if you don't count the nearly 40 per cent of you poindexters who think you're too smart for sports. If you were here, I would stuff you all in your lockers.
- Some people, meaning the 38% of you who intend on seeing Clerks II, never fucking learn. That man has almost singlehandedly ruined independent film, comic books and stand-up comedy, and you're going to put enough money in his pocket to ruin television. STOP WHILE YOU CAN, YOU FOOLS. Also, an astonishing 65% of you are going to see that gay-ass pirate movie, and yet not one of you will go see a Wayans brother impersonating a midget. Oh, and one lonely fuck (no names, no pack drill) is planning to see Adam Sandler's movie about a magical TV remote. Good luck with that.
- A surprising number (15%) of you would enjoy living in a world run by literal prostitutes, rather that the one we currently have where the whores at the top are merely figurative. However, almost one in four of you would like to be able to move objects through the power of smut. Where's a radioactive hooker when you need one, am I right?
- In the "what I did on the Fourth of July" category:
* JEERS to
littlewashu for joking about fellatio. Some things are to be taken seriously, young lady.* CHEERS to
kudaspeaks for telling the darn kids to get off her lawn.* JEERS to
theweaselking, conrad_zaar and 
fiesty_robot. Canadian boosterism is so predictable. Plus, we don't like being reminded that other countries exist.* CHEERS to
patrickdean for reading an issue of G.I. Combat, if not actually participating in G.I. combat.* JEERS to
uvula_fr_b4 and elston for working on the holiday. You goddamn communists.* CHEERS to
lester22 for writing a story about Jefferson and Adams, which it's safe to say is way dorkier than anything else the rest of us did for Independence Day.* JEERS to
happinesstogo. Motherfucker brung his bitch...to the Waffle Hut!* CHEERS to
janehex, who kicked it old school by redressing her grievances to the King of England. I think he's gonna take a while getting back to you, though, kid. 