Anyway, here is the offical annotated list of things you can't bring on planes anymore.
PROHIBITED IN AIRLINE CABINS
- All liquids except medicine and baby formula verified as authentic.
Notes: How are they going to verify the medicine? What, a terrorist can't make explosive liquid look like DayQuil? Also, there should be some fun conversations around the milk-verification activities.
- Food bought at airport.
Notes: How about food bought at grocery store? Anyway, LUCKY FOR US THERE'S PLENTY OF FOOD AVAILABLE FOR PURCHASE ON THE PLANE, HO HO!
Notes: Too bad for you, ladies!
- All electrical and battery-powered items, including laptop computers, mobile phones and iPods.
Notes: Too bad for you, businesspeople or anyone wishing to alleviate boredom on long flights but bewilderingly reluctant to watch How To Make An American Quilt three times!
- Electric key fobs.
Notes: Too bad for you, anyone who drives a car!
- Wheelchairs, except those provided by airport.
Notes: Too bad for you, cripples! But seriously, man, anyone who's ballsy enough to build an explosive wheelchair deserves to kill a bunch of people. That's fucking dedication.
ALLOWED IN AIRLINE CABINS AS LONG AS YOU KEEP THEM IN A CLEAR PLASTIC BAG, WHICH OF COURSE EVERYONE REMEMBERS TO BRING TO THE AIRPORT:
- Pocket-size wallets and purses containing money, ID and credit cards.
Notes: To pay for all the food you now have to buy on the plane.
- Passports and tickets.
Notes: And now, ladies and gentlemen, your 'duh' moment.
- Prescription medicine and medical items.
Except wheelchairs and unverified liquid medicine.
- Glasses and sunglasses, but not cases.
Notes: Let 'em get scratched, you terror-loving dirtbags.
- Contact lens holders, but not lens solution.
Notes: Now available from your stewie, $24.99 a bottle exact change only.
- Baby formula and milk, but contents of each bottle must be tasted by passenger.
Like terrorists can't learn to enjoy the taste of liquid gelignite.
- Diapers, wipes, creams for infants.
Notes: But contents of each diaper must be soiled by passenger.
- Tampons, sanitary napkins and tissues, but not boxes.
Notes: A whole BOX of tampons? How much do you plan on menstruating, Ms. TERRORIST?
Notes: Electric fobs notwithstanding, you can still bring a set of keys and gouge someone's eyes out with them. Just not the pilot, please.