Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator (ludickid) wrote,
Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator
ludickid

Department of Homeland Pain In My Balls

God bless the brave boys who saved us from terror. Luckily there was nothing else happening in the news today, and no doubt this had nothing to do with the Iranq War, because as they keep telling us, we are fighting them ("them"=terrorists) over there ("there"=Iraq) so we don't have to do it ("it"=fight) over here ("here"=white people countries).

Anyway, here is the offical annotated list of things you can't bring on planes anymore.

PROHIBITED IN AIRLINE CABINS

- All liquids except medicine and baby formula verified as authentic.

Notes: How are they going to verify the medicine? What, a terrorist can't make explosive liquid look like DayQuil? Also, there should be some fun conversations around the milk-verification activities.

- Food bought at airport.

Notes: How about food bought at grocery store? Anyway, LUCKY FOR US THERE'S PLENTY OF FOOD AVAILABLE FOR PURCHASE ON THE PLANE, HO HO!

- Handbags.

Notes: Too bad for you, ladies!

- All electrical and battery-powered items, including laptop computers, mobile phones and iPods.

Notes: Too bad for you, businesspeople or anyone wishing to alleviate boredom on long flights but bewilderingly reluctant to watch How To Make An American Quilt three times!

- Electric key fobs.

Notes: Too bad for you, anyone who drives a car!

- Wheelchairs, except those provided by airport.

Notes: Too bad for you, cripples! But seriously, man, anyone who's ballsy enough to build an explosive wheelchair deserves to kill a bunch of people. That's fucking dedication.


ALLOWED IN AIRLINE CABINS AS LONG AS YOU KEEP THEM IN A CLEAR PLASTIC BAG, WHICH OF COURSE EVERYONE REMEMBERS TO BRING TO THE AIRPORT:

- Pocket-size wallets and purses containing money, ID and credit cards.

Notes: To pay for all the food you now have to buy on the plane.

- Passports and tickets.

Notes: And now, ladies and gentlemen, your 'duh' moment.

- Prescription medicine and medical items.

Except wheelchairs and unverified liquid medicine.

- Glasses and sunglasses, but not cases.

Notes: Let 'em get scratched, you terror-loving dirtbags.

- Contact lens holders, but not lens solution.

Notes: Now available from your stewie, $24.99 a bottle exact change only.

- Baby formula and milk, but contents of each bottle must be tasted by passenger.

Like terrorists can't learn to enjoy the taste of liquid gelignite.

- Diapers, wipes, creams for infants.

Notes: But contents of each diaper must be soiled by passenger.

- Tampons, sanitary napkins and tissues, but not boxes.

Notes: A whole BOX of tampons? How much do you plan on menstruating, Ms. TERRORIST?

- Keys.

Notes: Electric fobs notwithstanding, you can still bring a set of keys and gouge someone's eyes out with them. Just not the pilot, please.
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