Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator (ludickid) wrote,
Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator

Yesterday, when I was dumb

Hey, remember when I used to write things, and be funny? Me neither. Anyway, here's something I wrote a couple years ago and which seems oddly relevant again, for some reason.

WHY THEY HATE US: The September 11th Terrorists Weigh In

KHALID AL-MIHD'HAR: Well, obviously, I can't speak for the others, but I did it because I'm evil. Plain and simple. I don't remember when I first became aware of the fact that I'm evil, but I think I've probably been evil ever since I was a little kid. You're born that way. It's, what do you call it? Genetic. Anyway, it's not a choice. This is just the sort of thing you do when you're evil.

MAJED MOQ'ED: I'm a Muslim, and Muslim is a gutter religion of demon worshipers. As such, it's my spiritual obligation to follow the Seven Pillars of Islam: give alms to the poor, make a pilgrimage to Mecca at least once, pray five times a day, fast during Ramadan, recognize that there is one God and that Mohammed is his prophet, hate the Jews, and whenever possible, kill all Americans. It's simply a matter of faith.

NAWAF AL-HAZMI: Man, I didn't even want to do it. My cousin Salem pushed me into it. He was all daring me, calling me chicken, that kinda thing. I would just as soon have been watching the Devil Rays.

SALEM AL-HAZMI: Hey, don't try and pin this whole thing on me, Nawaf. It's not my fault you're susceptible to peer pressure. I only wanted to do it to see if you would do it. I was going to yell "Psych!" right before we hit, but you know, things kept coming up and there wasn't time.

HANI HANJOUR: I did it because I hate freedom. I mean, in the abstract, don't we all hate freedom? Most of my friends, hating freedom is basically what we're all about. But in particular, I hate Americans for their freedom. It seems like every time I'd turn around, there would be someone saying something or doing something. Like this one guy down the block from me, Tom? He was always going from place to place, buying goods, speaking in public. So I figured that maybe if I crashed a plane into a shitload of people all the freedom would stop.

SATAM AL-SUQ'AMI: Saddam Hussein made me do it. We were all totally in cahoots with them, and we figured no one would ever find out. It was all Saddam Hussein's idea, and when Saddam Hussein tells you to do something, brother, you do it!

WALEED AL-SHEH'RI: Well, I went to college in America, so naturally, I was constantly exposed to post-modernism and moral relativism. This taught me that even if I were to do something horrible, no one would judge me. So I did!

WA'IL AL-SHEH'RI: I kept hearing everyone say that Islam is a religion of peace, and I was all, ha ha! What a bunch of suckers! I mean, wouldn't you get sick of hearing that? Like, I got your religion of peace right here! Taste it, bitches!

MOHAMMED ATTA: I honestly didn't think I'd be able to get away with it. I kept plotting and planning and scheming, and I thought, any day now, the authorities are going to catch me, and that'll be the end of Mohammed Kevin Atta. But, thanks to the systematic dismantling of your country's intelligence and military capabilities by Democratic presidents Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton, I got off scot-free! Well, except for dying.

ABDULAZIZ AL-OMARI: Uh, I did it, um, because, for Palestine. For what is, er, that happens in Palestine.

MARWAN AL-SHEH'HI: Some of the guys are going to tell you it was because of Palestine. You want to know something? I don't give a fuck about Palestine. I don't even know where Palestine is. You show me a world map and I'll pick out Pascagoula, Mississippi before I can tell you where the hell Palestine would be. But, like everyone I have ever met in my life, I hate Jews, and if you tell me that Jews are doing something bad in Palestine or New York or Freedonia or whereever, that's reason enough for me to commit suicide.

FAYEZ BANI HAMMAD: I just figured the United States would invade Iraq someday, so I might as well get a head start on revenge.

AHMED AL-GHAMDI: Okay, here's how it works: I am an Arab. And the only thing an Arab respects is strength. That's why we all have so much respect for Israel. When we killed Americans, what did you do? You bombed a couple, ten thousand of our wives and children. CRISIS OVER! If you'd just reduce Mecca and Medina to rubble, we'd finally get the message and all the terrorism would stop! Like, when I would lip off to Osama bin-Laden? He'd haul his rickety, bearded ass up off the stone chair and smack the snot out of me with his cane. You think Mr. 'Sensitive War' John Kerry was gonna hit me with a cane? Fuck no! Cheney was right, man. If you'da voted for that dude we're all right back in there. If I was alive today instead of burning in the fires of Gehenna, I'd totally drive a truck bomb into the Cinderella ride at Disneyland.

HAMZA AL-GHAMDI: I did it because I hate women. None of us were Afghani, and we'd never even visited Afghanistan during the time of the Taliban regime, but we really liked the way that they wouldn't let chicks get an education and stuff. Hardly anyone in South Beach even wears a veil. We figured that if we blew up a couple of skyscrapers, the Americans might panic and take away all women's civil rights. Oh well, you win some, you lose some.

MOHAND AL-SHEH'RI: Not that I want to contradict -- okay, look. The other guys all had perfectly valid reasons for for doing what we did. But -- and if this gets them pissed off like it always used to, so be it -- for me, I just had this theory that the sound made by a plane crashing into a tall building at 500 miles an hour would be really cool. And I was right. I only wish I'd had more than .0000003 seconds to enjoy it.

SA'EED AL-GHAMDI: I don't want to sound like a big copycat, but I really am going to have to go with Khalid's answer. I did it because I'm evil. The temptation is always going to be to overanalyze stuff like this and make it seem more complicated than it really is, but it basically all boils down to evil. Evil!

AHMED AL-HAZNAWI: Eh, I'm going to have to respectfully disagree, Sa'eed. Sure, part of it is because we're evil. I mean, no one's questioning that. I'm evil, you're evil, Mohammed was evil, we're all evil. That's a given. But there's lots of ways to be evil. If it was just that we're evil, we could have stayed home, raped our children and murdered our wives, and saved a wad on plane fare. It's partly because we're evil, but also a little bit of what Hani says about how we hate freedom. As long as anyone anywhere can vote, we're going to be filled with murderous rage. Man, every time I'd turn on the TBS SuperStation and see some freedom, I would get so honked off!

AHMED AL-NAMI: This is obviously a very hot-button issue, and as with most hot-button issues, people tend to focus on the cultural and social aspects of it and ignore the far more important economic ones. We did it, essentially, because we are Communists. We all admire Joseph Stalin. We all hate globalism. We're pretty much hardcore socialists. And it's not done to talk about this, but that's what it boils down to: sure, this was a blow against women's rights and freedom and democracy and modernity and all that. But it was also a blow against Starbuck's and Wal-Mart and IKEA. It was a blow against shopping. The only proper use of money is the way Osama bin-Laden uses it, to build orbiting laser cannons to melt the Washington Monument. Although you didn't hear that from me.

ZIAD SAMIR JAR'RAH: I listen to a lot of rap music. That shit gives you some crazy ideas.
Tags: junk

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