Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator (ludickid) wrote,
Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator
ludickid

Sure, vote Democrat...IF YOU WANT THE WORLD TO END!

The conservative talking heads, who apparently smell the gamey tang of their rotting party in the air, are on a crusade to terrify voters into not doing what they're clearly going to do -- that is, vote (D) in the upcoming elections. And even though the presidential elections are still two years away, they're getting in their licks already, claiming that whoever the Democrats run will most certainly destroy our nation, plunging us into a horrible economic nightmare and very likely giving Osama bin-Laden the keys to our nuclear arsenal. The Democrats, of course, are fighting back with their usual effective tactics of flailing around, wincing and yelling "NUH UH".

To that end, I have compiled the following voter guide that the DNC can use, free of charge.

ELECTION YEAR: 1868
WINNER:: Ulysses S. Grant
PARTY: Republican
ECONOMIC DOWNTURN? yes (major)
POINTLESS WAR? no
MAJOR SCANDAL INVOLVING PRESIDENT? yes (corruption, patronage, drunkenness)
MAJOR SCANDAL INVOLVING CABINET? yes (corruption)
TERROR ATTACKS? minor (Indians)
AMERICAN REPUTATION: mixed
IS PRESIDENT OFTEN MENTIONED AS ONE OF THE WORST OF ALL TIME? yes

ELECTION YEAR: 1872
WINNER:: Ulysses S. Grant
PARTY: Republican
ECONOMIC DOWNTURN? no
POINTLESS WAR? no
MAJOR SCANDAL INVOLVING PRESIDENT? yes (corruption, patronage, drunkenness)
MAJOR SCANDAL INVOLVING CABINET? yes (corruption)
TERROR ATTACKS? minor (Indians)
AMERICAN REPUTATION: good
IS PRESIDENT OFTEN MENTIONED AS ONE OF THE WORST OF ALL TIME? yes

ELECTION YEAR: 1880
WINNER:: Rutherford B. Hayes
PARTY: Republican
ECONOMIC DOWNTURN? no
POINTLESS WAR? no
MAJOR SCANDAL INVOLVING PRESIDENT? no
MAJOR SCANDAL INVOLVING CABINET? no
TERROR ATTACKS? no
AMERICAN REPUTATION: excellent
IS PRESIDENT OFTEN MENTIONED AS ONE OF THE WORST OF ALL TIME? no

ELECTION YEAR: 1884
WINNER:: Grover Cleveland
PARTY: Democrat
ECONOMIC DOWNTURN? no
POINTLESS WAR? no
MAJOR SCANDAL INVOLVING PRESIDENT? yes (bastard child)
MAJOR SCANDAL INVOLVING CABINET? no
TERROR ATTACKS? no
AMERICAN REPUTATION: excellent
IS PRESIDENT OFTEN MENTIONED AS ONE OF THE WORST OF ALL TIME? no

ELECTION YEAR: 1888
WINNER:: Benjamin Henry Harrison
PARTY: Republican
ECONOMIC DOWNTURN? yes (minor)
POINTLESS WAR? no
MAJOR SCANDAL INVOLVING PRESIDENT? no
MAJOR SCANDAL INVOLVING CABINET? yes (corruption)
TERROR ATTACKS? no
AMERICAN REPUTATION: bad
IS PRESIDENT OFTEN MENTIONED AS ONE OF THE WORST OF ALL TIME? no

ELECTION YEAR: 1892
WINNER:: Grover Cleveland
PARTY: Democrat
ECONOMIC DOWNTURN? yes (minor)
POINTLESS WAR? no
MAJOR SCANDAL INVOLVING PRESIDENT? no
MAJOR SCANDAL INVOLVING CABINET? no
TERROR ATTACKS? no
AMERICAN REPUTATION: mixed
IS PRESIDENT OFTEN MENTIONED AS ONE OF THE WORST OF ALL TIME? no

ELECTION YEAR: 1896
WINNER:: William McKinley
PARTY: Republican
ECONOMIC DOWNTURN? yes (major)
POINTLESS WAR? yes (Spain)
MAJOR SCANDAL INVOLVING PRESIDENT? no
MAJOR SCANDAL INVOLVING CABINET? no
TERROR ATTACKS? no
AMERICAN REPUTATION: poor
IS PRESIDENT OFTEN MENTIONED AS ONE OF THE WORST OF ALL TIME? no

ELECTION YEAR: 1900
WINNER:: William McKinley
PARTY: Republican
ECONOMIC DOWNTURN? yes (minor)
POINTLESS WAR? yes (Phillipines)
MAJOR SCANDAL INVOLVING PRESIDENT? no
MAJOR SCANDAL INVOLVING CABINET? no
TERROR ATTACKS? no
AMERICAN REPUTATION: bad
IS PRESIDENT OFTEN MENTIONED AS ONE OF THE WORST OF ALL TIME? no

ELECTION YEAR: 1904
WINNER:: Theodore Roosevelt
PARTY: Republican
ECONOMIC DOWNTURN? no
POINTLESS WAR? no
MAJOR SCANDAL INVOLVING PRESIDENT? no
MAJOR SCANDAL INVOLVING CABINET? no
TERROR ATTACKS? no
AMERICAN REPUTATION: neutral
IS PRESIDENT OFTEN MENTIONED AS ONE OF THE WORST OF ALL TIME? no

ELECTION YEAR: 1908
WINNER:: William Howard Taft
PARTY: Republican
ECONOMIC DOWNTURN? yes (minor)
POINTLESS WAR? no
MAJOR SCANDAL INVOLVING PRESIDENT? yes (corruption, fatness)
MAJOR SCANDAL INVOLVING CABINET? no
TERROR ATTACKS? no
AMERICAN REPUTATION: decent
IS PRESIDENT OFTEN MENTIONED AS ONE OF THE WORST OF ALL TIME? no

ELECTION YEAR: 1912
WINNER:: Woodrow Wilson
PARTY: Democrat
ECONOMIC DOWNTURN? no
POINTLESS WAR? not yet
MAJOR SCANDAL INVOLVING PRESIDENT? no
MAJOR SCANDAL INVOLVING CABINET? no
TERROR ATTACKS? minor (anarchists)
AMERICAN REPUTATION: good
IS PRESIDENT OFTEN MENTIONED AS ONE OF THE WORST OF ALL TIME? no

ELECTION YEAR: 1916
WINNER:: Woodrow Wilson
PARTY: Democrat
ECONOMIC DOWNTURN? no
POINTLESS WAR? yes (everybody)
MAJOR SCANDAL INVOLVING PRESIDENT? no
MAJOR SCANDAL INVOLVING CABINET? yes (abuse of power)
TERROR ATTACKS? minor (anarchists)
AMERICAN REPUTATION: excellent
IS PRESIDENT OFTEN MENTIONED AS ONE OF THE WORST OF ALL TIME? no

ELECTION YEAR: 1920
WINNER:: Warren Gaines Harding
PARTY: Republican
ECONOMIC DOWNTURN? no
POINTLESS WAR? no
MAJOR SCANDAL INVOLVING PRESIDENT? yes (corruption)
MAJOR SCANDAL INVOLVING CABINET? yes (corruption)
TERROR ATTACKS? no
AMERICAN REPUTATION: good
IS PRESIDENT OFTEN MENTIONED AS ONE OF THE WORST OF ALL TIME? yes

ELECTION YEAR: 1924
WINNER:: Calvin Coolidge
PARTY: Republican
ECONOMIC DOWNTURN? no
POINTLESS WAR? no
MAJOR SCANDAL INVOLVING PRESIDENT? no
MAJOR SCANDAL INVOLVING CABINET? yes (corruption)
TERROR ATTACKS? no
AMERICAN REPUTATION: good
IS PRESIDENT OFTEN MENTIONED AS ONE OF THE WORST OF ALL TIME? no

ELECTION YEAR: 1928
WINNER:: Herbert Hoover
PARTY: Republican
ECONOMIC DOWNTURN? yes (worst in history)
POINTLESS WAR? no
MAJOR SCANDAL INVOLVING PRESIDENT? yes (patronage, being a giant asshole)
MAJOR SCANDAL INVOLVING CABINET? yes (corruption)
TERROR ATTACKS? no
AMERICAN REPUTATION: poor
IS PRESIDENT OFTEN MENTIONED AS ONE OF THE WORST OF ALL TIME? yes

ELECTION YEAR: 1932
WINNER:: Franklin Delano Roosevelt
PARTY: Democrat
ECONOMIC DOWNTURN? yes (major)
POINTLESS WAR? no
MAJOR SCANDAL INVOLVING PRESIDENT? no
MAJOR SCANDAL INVOLVING CABINET? no
TERROR ATTACKS? no
AMERICAN REPUTATION: stable but bad
IS PRESIDENT OFTEN MENTIONED AS ONE OF THE WORST OF ALL TIME? no

ELECTION YEAR: 1936
WINNER:: Franlin Delano Roosevelt
PARTY: Democrat
ECONOMIC DOWNTURN? yes (improving but still major)
POINTLESS WAR? no
MAJOR SCANDAL INVOLVING PRESIDENT? yes (constitutional around-monkeying)
MAJOR SCANDAL INVOLVING CABINET? no
TERROR ATTACKS? no
AMERICAN REPUTATION: in the same crappy boat as everyone else
IS PRESIDENT OFTEN MENTIONED AS ONE OF THE WORST OF ALL TIME? no

ELECTION YEAR: 1940
WINNER:: Franklin Delano Roosevelt
PARTY: Democrat
ECONOMIC DOWNTURN? no
POINTLESS WAR? no
MAJOR SCANDAL INVOLVING PRESIDENT? no
MAJOR SCANDAL INVOLVING CABINET? no
TERROR ATTACKS? minor (Japs, Ratzis)
AMERICAN REPUTATION: good
IS PRESIDENT OFTEN MENTIONED AS ONE OF THE WORST OF ALL TIME? no

ELECTION YEAR: 1944
WINNER:: Franklin Delano Roosevelt
PARTY: Democrat
ECONOMIC DOWNTURN? no
POINTLESS WAR? no
MAJOR SCANDAL INVOLVING PRESIDENT? no
MAJOR SCANDAL INVOLVING CABINET? no
TERROR ATTACKS? no
AMERICAN REPUTATION: saviors of the world
IS PRESIDENT OFTEN MENTIONED AS ONE OF THE WORST OF ALL TIME? no

ELECTION YEAR: 1948
WINNER:: Harry S Truman
PARTY: Democrat
ECONOMIC DOWNTURN? no
POINTLESS WAR? yes (Korea)
MAJOR SCANDAL INVOLVING PRESIDENT? no
MAJOR SCANDAL INVOLVING CABINET? no
TERROR ATTACKS? no
AMERICAN REPUTATION: outstanding
IS PRESIDENT OFTEN MENTIONED AS ONE OF THE WORST OF ALL TIME? no

ELECTION YEAR: 1952
WINNER:: Dwight D. Eisenhower
PARTY: Republican
ECONOMIC DOWNTURN? no
POINTLESS WAR? yes (Korea)
MAJOR SCANDAL INVOLVING PRESIDENT? no
MAJOR SCANDAL INVOLVING CABINET? no
TERROR ATTACKS? no
AMERICAN REPUTATION: good
IS PRESIDENT OFTEN MENTIONED AS ONE OF THE WORST OF ALL TIME? no

ELECTION YEAR: 1956
WINNER:: Dwight D. Eisenhower
PARTY: Republican
ECONOMIC DOWNTURN? no
POINTLESS WAR? no
MAJOR SCANDAL INVOLVING PRESIDENT? no
MAJOR SCANDAL INVOLVING CABINET? yes (corruption)
TERROR ATTACKS? no
AMERICAN REPUTATION: okay
IS PRESIDENT OFTEN MENTIONED AS ONE OF THE WORST OF ALL TIME? no

ELECTION YEAR: 1960
WINNER:: John F. Kennedy
PARTY: Democrat
ECONOMIC DOWNTURN? no
POINTLESS WAR? no
MAJOR SCANDAL INVOLVING PRESIDENT? no (despite fucking)
MAJOR SCANDAL INVOLVING CABINET? no
TERROR ATTACKS? no
AMERICAN REPUTATION: excellent
IS PRESIDENT OFTEN MENTIONED AS ONE OF THE WORST OF ALL TIME? no

ELECTION YEAR: 1964
WINNER:: Lyndon Baines Johnson
PARTY: Democrat
ECONOMIC DOWNTURN? yes (minor)
POINTLESS WAR? yes (Viet Nam)
MAJOR SCANDAL INVOLVING PRESIDENT? no
MAJOR SCANDAL INVOLVING CABINET? no
TERROR ATTACKS? no
AMERICAN REPUTATION: poor
IS PRESIDENT OFTEN MENTIONED AS ONE OF THE WORST OF ALL TIME? no

ELECTION YEAR: 1968
WINNER:: Richard M. Nixon
PARTY: Republican
ECONOMIC DOWNTURN? yes (minor)
POINTLESS WAR? yes (Viet Nam)
MAJOR SCANDAL INVOLVING PRESIDENT? no
MAJOR SCANDAL INVOLVING CABINET? yes (corruption)
TERROR ATTACKS? minor (hippies)
AMERICAN REPUTATION: bad
IS PRESIDENT OFTEN MENTIONED AS ONE OF THE WORST OF ALL TIME? yes

ELECTION YEAR: 1972
WINNER:: Richard M. Nixon
PARTY: Republican
ECONOMIC DOWNTURN? yes (major)
POINTLESS WAR? yes (Viet Nam)
MAJOR SCANDAL INVOLVING PRESIDENT? yes (betraying the entire political process and then covering it up)
MAJOR SCANDAL INVOLVING CABINET? yes (corruption)
TERROR ATTACKS? minor (radicals)
AMERICAN REPUTATION: crappy
IS PRESIDENT OFTEN MENTIONED AS ONE OF THE WORST OF ALL TIME? yes

ELECTION YEAR: 1976
WINNER:: Jimmy Carter
PARTY: Democrat
ECONOMIC DOWNTURN? yes (minor)
POINTLESS WAR? no
MAJOR SCANDAL INVOLVING PRESIDENT? no
MAJOR SCANDAL INVOLVING CABINET? no
TERROR ATTACKS? minor (Iranian hostage crisis)
AMERICAN REPUTATION: mixed
IS PRESIDENT OFTEN MENTIONED AS ONE OF THE WORST OF ALL TIME? "Simpsons" jokes notwithstanding, no

ELECTION YEAR: 1980
WINNER:: Ronald Reagan
PARTY: Republican
ECONOMIC DOWNTURN? yes (minor)
POINTLESS WAR? yes (Grenada)
MAJOR SCANDAL INVOLVING PRESIDENT? no
MAJOR SCANDAL INVOLVING CABINET? yes (corruption)
TERROR ATTACKS? no
AMERICAN REPUTATION: mixed
IS PRESIDENT OFTEN MENTIONED AS ONE OF THE WORST OF ALL TIME? yes, with an but

ELECTION YEAR: 1984
WINNER:: Ronald Reagan
PARTY: Republican
ECONOMIC DOWNTURN? no
POINTLESS WAR? yes (Nicaragua, El Salvador)
MAJOR SCANDAL INVOLVING PRESIDENT? yes (arms trading & subsequent coverup)
MAJOR SCANDAL INVOLVING CABINET? yes (corruption, perjury, conflict of interest, many others)
TERROR ATTACKS? no
AMERICAN REPUTATION: good
IS PRESIDENT OFTEN MENTIONED AS ONE OF THE WORST OF ALL TIME? no, with an if

ELECTION YEAR: 1988
WINNER:: George H.W. Bush
PARTY: Republican
ECONOMIC DOWNTURN? yes (minor)
POINTLESS WAR? yes (Panama, Iraq)
MAJOR SCANDAL INVOLVING PRESIDENT? no
MAJOR SCANDAL INVOLVING CABINET? no
TERROR ATTACKS? no
AMERICAN REPUTATION: mixed
IS PRESIDENT OFTEN MENTIONED AS ONE OF THE WORST OF ALL TIME? no

ELECTION YEAR: 1992
WINNER:: Bill Clinton
PARTY: Democrat
ECONOMIC DOWNTURN? no
POINTLESS WAR? yes (Yugoslavia)
MAJOR SCANDAL INVOLVING PRESIDENT? no
MAJOR SCANDAL INVOLVING CABINET? no
TERROR ATTACKS? minor (Arabs)
AMERICAN REPUTATION: stable
IS PRESIDENT OFTEN MENTIONED AS ONE OF THE WORST OF ALL TIME? no

ELECTION YEAR: 1996
WINNER:: Bill Clinton
PARTY: Democrat
ECONOMIC DOWNTURN? no
POINTLESS WAR? no
MAJOR SCANDAL INVOLVING PRESIDENT? yes (blowjob)
MAJOR SCANDAL INVOLVING CABINET? no
TERROR ATTACKS? no
AMERICAN REPUTATION: good
IS PRESIDENT OFTEN MENTIONED AS ONE OF THE WORST OF ALL TIME? no

ELECTION YEAR: 2000
WINNER:: George W. Bush
PARTY: Republican
ECONOMIC DOWNTURN? yes (major)
POINTLESS WAR? yes (Iraq)
MAJOR SCANDAL INVOLVING PRESIDENT? yes (election theft)
MAJOR SCANDAL INVOLVING CABINET? yes (corruption, racketeering, many others)
TERROR ATTACKS? major (WTC, Pentagon by Arabs)
AMERICAN REPUTATION: initially good, then right down the toilet
IS PRESIDENT OFTEN MENTIONED AS ONE OF THE WORST OF ALL TIME? yes

ELECTION YEAR: 2004
WINNER:: George W. Bush
PARTY: Republican
ECONOMIC DOWNTURN? no
POINTLESS WAR? yes (Iraq, Afghanistan, possibly North Korea, Iran, Syria)
MAJOR SCANDAL INVOLVING PRESIDENT? yes (constitutional abuse)
MAJOR SCANDAL INVOLVING CABINET? yes (all of the above)
TERROR ATTACKS? not in the US, anyway
AMERICAN REPUTATION: perhaps an all-time low
IS PRESIDENT OFTEN MENTIONED AS ONE OF THE WORST OF ALL TIME? yes

So, to recap, since the Civil War:

PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION WINS: adv. Republicans (20-14)
ECONOMIC DOWNTURNS WHILE IN POWER: adv. Republicans (11-5)
PRESIDING OVER UNNECESSARY, COSTLY WARS: adv. Republicans (10-2)
ELECTING OR APPOINTING SCANDAL-PLAGUED OFFICIALS: adv. Republicans (14-4)
FAILING TO PROTECT AMERICA FROM TERROR ATTACKS: tie (although more lives have been lost during GOP presidencies)
ALLOWING AMERICA'S REPUTATION TO GO RIGHT DOWN THE SHITTER: adv. Republicans (8-2)
PRODUCING LEADERS CONSIDERED AMONG THE WORST IN THE NATION'S HISTORY: adv. Republicans (6-0)

The choice is like totally clear!
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