Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator (ludickid) wrote,
Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator
ludickid

Sheriff Lowblow

Boy, have I been down the last week. I can't get over missing her, missing her kid, missing home. I know it's not anything you ever get over, but I wish it would return to a tolerable level of ache, because I got shit to do.

Until I'm able to get into a real therapy regime, I've been having to settle for whatever coping mechanisms are available. Forgiving myself isn't really an option, and just ignoring it and hoping I feel better only works when it works. So I've stuck with what I know, which is huge black swaths of self-hatred, and if you're reading this (and if you are, for God's sake, why?), you can see how well that's working out. I think what kills me the most is not knowing how they're doing. I want her to be okay, to be happy even, on her own or with someone who can be good to her and not a total screwoff like I was, and I want the move to have been a good thing for her. Part of this is my ego, of course -- it's me overexaggerating how important I was to her, wanting to be absolved of the guilt of doing what I did by knowing that they aren't completely screwed. But a lot of it is just what I always wanted for her but couldn't give her, the possibility of being happy.

I've been pretty resolutely avoiding any contact with her. I'm sure she doesn't want to hear from me, and if she did, she knows where I am and how to reach me. I gave up the right, if I ever had it, to have a stake in how she or Annie are doing with my betrayal. Anyway, it would probably be more harmful than healing for me to write her; I don't know. I just hope she's doing all right, or at least better than I am. She sure as hell deserves it.

Sorry you had to look at this. Onward, onward...
Tags: crankery, diary, shauna
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  • 33 comments

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