Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator (ludickid) wrote,
Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator

Hey, speaking of how well things are going in Iraq... you may know if you pay too much attention to national affairs and not enough to the ruins of your own life, the President has convened a special panel of experts, culled from some of the most durable nogoodniks from the Nixon, Reagan and Bush 1 cabinets, to make some recommendations about how to turn things around over there. I've received an advance copy of their preliminary findings, and let me tell you, it's dynamite.

1. Replace soldiers with lower-cost Mexican immigrant labor and outsourced Indian workers; pass savings on to taxpayers.

2. Intensive training for USMC to explain that when commanding officers say they need to capture Iraqi hearts and minds, this is not meant literally.

3. Alleviate problem of underskilled Iraqi security forces by sending them to a Donald Trump motivational seminar.

4. Defuse Sunni/Shi'ite tensions by suggesting that they all convert to Christianity.

5. Send the Minutemen over to keep terrorists from crossing at Iran and Syria, because they've done such a bang-up job keeping Mexican immigrants out.

6. Dig up William Westmoreland, give him Rumsfeld's spot.

7. Locate all official documents dealing with the dismantling of the Iraqi military and police and the barring from employment and service of all former Ba'athist officials, and label them with a "WHOOPS! WE GOOFED" stamp featuring a humorous caricature of Paul Bremer.

8. Insert 'WELL ON ITS WAY TO BEING' between 'MISSION' and 'ACCOMPLISHED' on all banners.

9. Institute a reward/punishment scheme for U.S. troops: free PlayStation 3 for all soldiers who do not take photographs of themselves abusing prisoners, and demotion and pay cut for anyone lazy and inattentive enough to get injured by an IED.

10. "Stay the course" to be replaced by "keep on truckin'" to evoke the carefree, happy-go-lucky feel of the early 1970s.
Tags: laffs, politics

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