Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator (ludickid) wrote,
Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator
ludickid

Can I get some Moon Mashed Potatoes with that?

KFC, not content with constantly bombarding actual humans with advertisements for their crappy food, will now pester nonexistent space aliens to come down and grab a bucketload of chicken.

Sometimes, you know, people say to me, "okay, Mr. chickenshit quasi-socialist, how are we going to pay for all your grand schemes? Who's going to foot the bill for giving everyone a living wage? Who's gonna pay to just give shit to poor people?" And usually, I say something like "rich people", and the conversation ends. But here's the thing: we spend billions of dollars (and billions are still a lot of dollars) on things like:

- whispering voices in bookstores that ask if you ever think about murdering someone
- at least twelve different Starz! networks
- light-up shoes
- taking baseballs out for a lobster dinner at a fancy hotel
- golf
- making sure no one touches Jennifer Lopez' food
- imaginary real estate
- buying things, then renting them to someone else, who rents them to someone else, who leases them to someone
- a LiveJournal for the guy in the Nissan commercials who lived in his car for a week
- a gigantic head of Colonel Sanders you can see from space

And maybe, just maybe, we could use some of THAT money and just give shit to poor people. Maybe. Because, I know, I'm a raving anarchist lunatic at heart, but really, I've become pretty petit-bourgois in my old age. I enjoy my DVDs, my books, my PlayStation, my computer and even my car with only a low-level haze of guilt. But somehow, I think if I ever found myself walking down the street, and a homeless guy wrapped up in a newspaper featuring article about how the whole continent of Africa is dying of AIDS and we don't have any energy or an ozone layer anymore asked me for some money to buy food with, and I found myself saying to him "Sorry, pal, I can't help you, I've just gotten off a grueling shift at my $80,000-a-year job making giant effigies of Colonel Sanders you can only see from space, and I'm in a big hurry because my kid and I want to see the baseball eat its lobster", I might have a little trouble sleeping that night.
Tags: crankery, news
Subscribe

  • The Party of What People?

    This will be my last entry of 2016.  Next year will begin, barring some unexpected act of fate, with the ascension to the presidency of Donald…

  • Anno Terribilis

    2016, the little year that absolutely could not, is almost over, and with the exception of people for whom it was a raging success —…

  • Shalom and the Jewish Jesus

    Shalom Auslander got the best possible start on having a sickly fatalistic sense of humor:  he was a miserable Jew from the day he was born. As…

  • Post a new comment

    Error

    default userpic

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.
  • 16 comments

  • The Party of What People?

    This will be my last entry of 2016.  Next year will begin, barring some unexpected act of fate, with the ascension to the presidency of Donald…

  • Anno Terribilis

    2016, the little year that absolutely could not, is almost over, and with the exception of people for whom it was a raging success —…

  • Shalom and the Jewish Jesus

    Shalom Auslander got the best possible start on having a sickly fatalistic sense of humor:  he was a miserable Jew from the day he was born. As…