1. There is life in the universe that is far more superior and advanced than humanity. They possess the secrets of eternal life, inner peace and infinite wisdom. Unfortunately, they are cows, and they have decided not to tell us anything because we have been systematically slaughtering them for thousands of years.
2. Traveling through time is easy. All you have to do is eat eight sticks of butter at a sitting.
3. Less than .01% of the population of the planet actually knows anything. The rest of them are divided between people who obviously know nothing and people who seem to know things, but are just bluffing.
4. God does not exist. There is no supreme being called God who created the cosmos and judges our behavior and actions so as to reward us with eternal happiness or punish us with unending torment. There is a being exactly like this called Ignacio, but no one ever prays to Ignacio or worships him, so he just sits around all day playing Canfield.
5. The universe’s theme song is “Sex on Wheels” by My Life with the Thrill Kill Kult. No one knows why, or how, but it is an indisputable fact that an even rudimentary understanding of the nature of reality cannot be undertaken without this basic knowledge.
6. True love is not possible between a man and a woman. It is also not possible between a man and a man, a woman and a woman, a woman and a donkey, or a man and a $475 throwback jersey. True love is only possible between two genderless robots who have been calibrated to .0025% of tolerance to one another. Sex, on the other hand, is easily purchased over the internet.
7. All major religions, philosophies and comedic science fiction novels are wrong about the meaning of life. Additionally, those who say there is no meaning to life are wrong. I don’t even wanna talk about those fuckfaces who say “it’s up to us to give life a meaning”, screw those jerks. The meaning of life is, and this may surprise you, to watch a lot of network television and eat at McDonalds. So, stay the course, America!