A KILLER WREATH
Uncoil a new wreath idea this year. Wrap your favorite barbed wire – be it razor, flesh-stripping, or the simple and traditional twin-prong model – with weatherproof wax coating that will hold up outdoors. Add decorative bands in contrasting Christmas colors and tie with ribbon. Thread through with your favorite garrote (ours is a two-foot sharpened wire) and mount. Affix a satin bow, and give those pesky carolers the surprise of there soon-to-be-shortened lives.
Although these oversized snowflake streamers look delicate, there’s nothing flimsy about the strongly worded slogans we affix to them. Cut free-form wintry shapes and cut out using a military-issue K-1 survival knife; start with a 15” square of bulletproof Kevlar, because well-meaning neighbors will try to set it on fire. Continue folding and outline template with permanent marker (you’ll need it later). Hang from rafters or support beams with a twelve-loop hangman’s noose, then decorate with feisty slogans. Our favorites: “FOR CHRIST THE KING IS BORN, BEFORE THE TREACHEROUS JEWS MURDER HIM”; “MERRY CHRISTMAS, YOU SHIT-DRAGGING FUCKFACES”; “REINDEER DON’T LET THE SUN SET ON YOU IN MY YARD”.
FOLLY NAPKIN HOLDERS
Dress up your dinner table with napkin holders made of spun platinum and silkworms. Trace designs onto sheet of pressed silkworms (use an ironing board) and cut out into shape. Fold each leaf in half lengthwise and iron again to remove creases and make sure the silkworms are dead. Thread spun platinum through into the middle of decorative cording. Holders will not actually function, but rather fall apart in seconds, leaving your guests to eat over a mess of steam-fried bug corpses. But at least it costs a lot of money!
TREE OF TERROR
Horror comes from your kitchen when you stack a series of progressively awful objects to form a tannenbaum and top with a Soviet war criminal’s head, flaming chunk of bullcrap, or deceased infant. Sawblades, vivisected torso slices, and blown-up photographs of sex crime victims work well, as do the stretched-out faced of long-dead Indian shamans. Cream cheese frosting between pairs and cheap Brazilian crank laced with PCP dusted on tip create a sweet snowfall.
PINE CONE CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS
I guess this is, what, you make a decoration out of a pine cone? Put a ribbon on it and some jingle bells, some fucking thing. And then smear it with peanut butter and use it as a bird feeder, I guess. Christ, I’m so hung over. Anyway, happy holidays! It’s a good thing! Et cetera! Now get out of my house before I start shooting.