CALL #1: PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH
LP: Ludic Syndicate World Headquarters, how can I direct your call?
GWB: Lenny Bear! It's W.
LP: Oh, hi, Mr. President.
GWB: How was your Christmas?
LP: It was all right. I had a rough year, and family can be a trial, you know.
GWB: Tell me about it. My pop was nagging me about getting Eaglebuger some work. Hey, did you notice how I said "Christmas" just now? I said "How was your Christmas?"
LP: Uh...I just told you.
GWB: No, I mean, did you see how I said "Christmas", instead of "holiday" or "Conga" or whatnot?
LP: Oh, yeah, you did do that, didn't you. Also, it's "Kwanzaa".
GWB: Whatever, it's a made up holiday. Anyway, pretty risky of me, saying "Christmas", don't you think? Bold. Shows real leadership.
GWB: Because, you know, the PC people.
LP: What people?
GWB: The PC police.
LP: Who are they, exactly?
GWB: You know what? I'll have to look into that. I think they're part of the Bureau of Weights and Measures, I got a memo about it. Did you know there was a war on Christmas?
LP: There's a war in Iraq, too.
GWB: Workin' on it!
LP: What can I do for you, Mr. President? I'm sure you didn't just call to wish me a happy Conga.
GWB: Well, I wanted to give you a chance to thank me for the extension of the tax cuts...
LP: I'm not sure who you think you're talking to, sir.
GWB: ...and ask you, do you think I'll be like Ford?
LP: You mean, die? Before I can answer, is this call being monitored by the Secret Service?
GWB: Been thinking about him lately. Good friend of pop's. Good man. People say he fell down a lot, uh uh! Not buyin' it. Stood on two feet. His own. Gave me the Dick-man for my 40th birthday present.
LP: He's the gift that keeps on giving, sir.
GWB: Anyhoot, he caught a lot of heat, Ford. People got on his case, for the pardon. Ups and dies, everyone remembers him nicely. Fondly, I'd say. All is forgiven.
LP: And you wonder if that will happen for you?
GWB: Worked for Nixon.
LP: Sort of. Ford didn't start a major war, of course.
GWB: Gotta start thinkin' of the ol' legacy, you know. I want pop to be cryin' about me during a speech one day.
LP: You know, sir, it's beyond possible and well into likely that you'll outlive your father.
GWB: You don't think I'll be, you know? (makes gunshot noise)
LP: Assassinated? By who?
GWB: Didn't you hear me say "Christmas" before?
LP: I gotta go, Mr. President.