CALL #2: LOU REED
LP: Ludic Syndicate World Headquarters, how may I direct your call?
LP: This is the operator.
LR: (presses "0" on keypad)
LP: Sir, this is the operator.
LR: Goddamn it...how do you get a live person on these fucking things?
LP: Hello? Sir? I am a live person.
LR: Finally. I need Leonard Pierce.
LP: This is he.
LR: That was fast.
LP: Well, to be honest with you, it's only me here. I lost most of my staff during the breakup. I think they're all working for the drug dealers who used to live across the street from us now.
LP: Is this Herman Munster?
LR: No, it's Lou.
LP: Lou Dobbs?
LR: No, it's me, Lou.
LP: Lou Barlow?
LR: Close. Lou Reed. By the way, have you noticed how fat Lou Barlow has gotten lately?
LP: Man, no shit. I think he spent the time between Sebadoh III and now doing nothing but eat Ding Dongs. Anyway, what can I do for you, Lou?
LR: Well, as you know, man, the voting for the next round of inductees to the Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame is coming up, and I was wondering if you could help me out.
LP: Geez, Lou, I dunno.
LR: Come on, man. I know we've had our differences, and my work as well as my life of late has been a bit of a disappointment to you, but I was responsible for the Velvets. Probably the most important band, in terms of the music that you like, of all time.
LP: Lou, I...
LR: And my solo work -- I'm the first to admit I'm not setting the world on fire anymore, but I was pretty untouchable right up through New York. You always talk about how Bowie owned the '70s, and there's no Bowie without Lou.
LP: It's just...
LR: If nothing else, I recorded Metal Machine Music, thus providing critics an eternally enduring shorthand for "unlistenable noise".
LP: That's true, but...
LR: I deserve to be in the Hall of Fame, man. And you know it.
LP: I agree.
LR: So what's the problem, man? Is it Laurie Anderson? She wanted it, I swear. She's a cheetah.
LP: No, it's just that the ballots for 2007 have already gone out.
LR: Really? Did you vote for me?
LP: That's the other thing. I'm not on the voting committee.
LR: What? You were a total big shot back at Rolling Stone. You wrote that stroke book about Springsteen!
LP: Uh, that wasn't me. You're thinking of Dave Marsh. I'm a complete nobody who writes for indie papers and free weeklies. I barely even rate an invite to do the Voice poll.
LR: Shit. Do you have Dave Marsh's number, then?
LP: Well, it's Wednesday, which is the day he washes Bruce's car. I think I can track him down. But the other other thing is, Lou...
LR: Is it money? Look, I'd be happy to bribe you, man, if you don't mind 35-year-old meth tablets instead of money.
LP: No, Lou. It's that, well, you're already in the Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame.
LR: Man, I am so wasted. I'm gonna take a nap.
LP: Good talking to you, Lou.