In what has become an annual tradition of prognostications, religious broadcaster Pat Robertson said Tuesday God has told him that a terrorist attack on the United States would result in "mass killing" late in 2007.
Hey, thanks, God! Where was your prognosticating ass in 2001?
Robertson said God told him during a recent prayer retreat that major cities and possibly millions of people will be affected by the attack, which should take place sometime after September.
I think if this doesn't happen, millions of people in major cities should get to punch Pat Robertson in the nuts. In fact, I think that should be allowed even if it DOES happen.
Robertson said God also told him that the U.S. only feigns friendship with Israel and that U.S. policies are pushing Israel toward "national suicide."
This makes Israel sound like a moody goth teenager.
In 2005, Robertson predicted that Bush would have victory after victory in his second term. He said Social Security reform proposals would be approved and Bush would nominate conservative judges to federal courts. Lawmakers confirmed Bush's 2005 nominations of John Roberts and Samuel Alito to the Supreme Court. But the president's Social Security initiative was stalled. "I have a relatively good track record," he said. "Sometimes I miss."
Ha ha, oh, Pat, you giant asshole.
In May, Robertson said God told him that storms and possibly a tsunami were to crash into America's coastline in 2006. Even though the U.S. was not hit with a tsunami, Robertson on Tuesday cited last spring's heavy rains and flooding in New England as partly fulfilling the prediction.
"Okay, so I was wrong about there being a tsunami, but I was right about there being heavy rains and coastal storms, just like there have been every year in American history! So, pretty good!"
"I'm not necessarily saying it's going to be nuclear," he said during his news-and-talk television show "The 700 Club" on the Christian Broadcasting Network. "The Lord didn't say nuclear. But I do believe it will be something like that."
GOD: No, now, Pat, I didn't say nuclear.
PAT: So, what, then?
GOD: I can't tell you. It's a secret.
PAT: A secret?
GOD: What kind of omnipotent, benevolent god would I be if I provided you with useful and specific information?
PAT: Well, can I guess?
GOD: I'm not saying you can and I'm not saying you can't.
PAT: So it's not nuclear.
GOD: Not necessarily. Maybe it will be. I'm not saying nuclear.
PAT: Will it be something like nuclear?
GOD: Like nuclear? What's like nuclear?
PAT: I dunno. Atomic?
GOD: Geez, Pat, come on.
PAT: Biological? Radiological? Chemical?
PAT: Plague of frogs? Machete attack? Laser space cannon?
GOD: I have to go. I have a full raft of appointments today. There's all kinds of sparrows falling without permission because I'm sitting around playing twenty questions with you.
PAT: I guessed it, didn't I? I know that face! It's a machete attack, right?