For instance, as much as I despise them, I would be more than happy to take Heritage Foundation money to write a column for Town Hall, if such an offer was made. I wouldn’t even want to be their token lefty; instead, I would assume a suitably vitriolic persona based on the theory that in order to survive, America must forsake its pantywaist, old-Europe commitments to civil rights, freedom and democracy, and embrace a level-headed and brutal pragmatism to fight the hordes of Islamists, one-worlders and hippiecrats trying to destroy our nation. Sort of a combination of Pat Buchanan, Dennis Prager and Ed Anger. And I would trash-talk all the other right-wing columnists for being too soft. Also, this persona would involve me pretending to be a 92-year-old woman.
Look, I have even written some sample headlines for my hopeful new gig:
“I DON’T KNOW IF AMERICA STILL HAS THE MORAL FIBER TO KILL 50,000 PEOPLE WITH BAYONETS”
“IN MY DAY, WE SENT SOLDIERS TO SHOOT PEOPLE LIKE MICHELLE MALKIN”
“I DON’T KNOW WHAT MULTICULTURALISM IS, BUT I DO KNOW THAT HINDOO FOOD GIVES ME THE AWFUL TROTS”
“I HEAR THE ARABS HAVE THEIR OWN TV SHOW NOW! WHAT’S NEXT, A TALKING NEGRO?”
“DO WHAT THE PRESIDENT SAYS OR THE AMERICAN LEGION WILL WRECK UP YOUR HOUSE”
“PRESIDENT BUSH NEEDS A HAIRCUT”
“JONAH GOLDBERG MAKES A GOOD POINT, FOR A DIRTY JEW”
“I WISH THE POLICE WOULD SHOOT THE HIPPIES NEXT DOOR TO ME, LIKE THEY DID IN THE SIXTIES”
“DEMOCRATS SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO VOTE ANY MORE UNTIL THEY START DOING IT RIGHT”
“THERE ARE PEOPLE AROUND HERE WHO AREN’T CHRISTIAN, AND IT JUST MAKES ME SO MAD”
Come on, Scaife! Give me some money.