Meanwhile, I've been thinking of designing a new line of GI Joes -- the old, fully articulated kind with real hair and cloth and metal accessories, not the little plastic '80s ones -- based on more modern archetypes. For example:
Comes with oversized pants, fuzzy blue kangol, Strokes t-shirt and black video iPod. Pseudo-military pre-distressed shoulderback contains latest issues of Revolver, Maxim and the Urban Outfitters catalog as well as a nearly-expired MetroCard. Realistic BlueTooth action. Turns in a different direction and starts talking about Li'l' Jon when it hears the words "trust fund".
The shortest member of the team, both in height and in hair. No weapons, but sleeveless Ani DiFranco t-shirt reveals wash-off tattoo of double-headed battleaxe. Three pair of shoes: combat boots, Docs with Wite-Out separatist slogans, and Birks. Twitches uncontrollably when forced to team up with G.I. Joe. Comes with bass guitar and three assault Sharpies. Legs have lesbionic jumping action.
Outsize belt buckle is made of Kevlar, and Stetson has totally non-gay photo of Alan Jackson tucked into the inside of the brim. Drives G.I. Joe Action Assault Pickup with six back wheels and gas-tank-fed flamethrower. Press panel on his back to hear lengthy, profanity-laced condemnation of Title IX. Comes with little metal spittoon; bottom lip lights up in the dark.
Now you try!