Unfortunately, my unsuitable ethnic, class and educational background have conspired to deny me a place in the Mafia. And since the prejudices of others keep me out of the mob, I have decided to form my own. I hereby announce my most exciting project to date: the formation of an organized crime syndicate, to be headed by me and open to all qualified applicants.
Unlike the hidebound, stodgy traditionalists of the Mafia, the Triads and the Yakuza, my organized crime syndicate will be open to all, regardless of gender, sexual preference or ethnic background. Those who have found themselves denied a place at the table by Hell's Angels or Crips due to a distaste for bloodshed will be welcome here: there are innumerable roles for you in my organized crime syndicate for the non-violent, including such confrontation-free positions as Valet, Snack Tray Restocker, and Guy Who Alphabetizes My Comic Book Collection. You will have plenty of opportunities to spend time with your friends and loved ones, as this is not a live-in mob. There will be all of the excitement, abuse of intoxicants, and illicit, dangerous sex one normally associates with organized crime, but none of the risk of imprisonment: our rackets will mostly be legal ones, like selling things on eBay, renewing our tags on the last possible day, writing off business lunches, and using the postal meter at work for personal use. We will convene bimonthly, with our headquarters located wherever I happen to be living at the time, and the grueling initiation ceremony will involve listening to me talk about literary theory for half an hour with no bathroom breaks. Attention from law enforcement agents will be dealt with swiftly and brutally, by the ruthless application of martinis.
Actually I guess what I'm proposing is less an organized crime syndicate than a cocktail party. But still.