Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator (ludickid) wrote,
Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator

The Pierce/Thurman Campaign meets the press

As you know, I am running for president in 2008. And yesterday, for the first time since I announced, I took questions from the press about my candidacy, my position on the issues, and why people should vote for me.

ezrael: “What is your position on providing free, affordable mental health care to all Americans?”

First of all, if health care is free, it is by definition affordable. One of the great things about this country is that even our poorest citizens can afford free things. Second, I am in favor of universal state-funded health care for all Americans, which leaves you out, you Canuck traitor.

rjwhite: “The controversy that surrounded the Hiss case must have been very tough and rough, not just on you, but on -- on Mrs. Pierce as well. Did you consider leaving politics after '48 or after the -- your term, your '48 term, ended in 1950?”

I am not married, but thank you for reminding me that, until my running mate accepts my matrimonial proposal, I am sad and alone.

harmfulguy: “What are your plans to combat the Mooninite menace after their recent attack on Boston?”

I plan to surrender immediately, as I am of the firm belief that nothing can defeat the quad laser.

picodulce: “Will there be snacks?”

Under my administration, there will be snacks for all, including a multi-million-dollar “Innovation in Yumminess” fund to develop new flavors of potato chip.

genericus: “Can I borrow $10?”


tritium: “It has been said that your campaign opposes the Tennessee fetus-death-certificate proposal due to the fact that the candidate is afraid that it would make public his hunger for the flesh of Tennessee babies. Does the candidate care to respond to this?”

I hunger for the flesh of all babies, not only those of the great state of Tennessee.

ounceofreason: “Now that she has resigned from the Edwards campaign, when will you be hiring Amanda Marcotte? As a follow-up, when you do hire her, could you put in a good word for me?”

I’m way ahead of you, son. I sent this letter to Ms. Marcotte yesterday:

Dear Ms. Marcotte,

It was with a heavy heart that I followed your mau-mauing at the hands of William Donahue and other right-wing talking heads, and with some measure of pride that I noted your decision to resign rather than cause harm to the campaign of a man you believe in. However, I would be lying if I didn't in a small way experience excitement at the news -- your disconnection from the Edwards campaign meant that I could make you an offer myself.

I am standing as a candidate for President of the United States in 2008. I will be representing the Outsiders Party (formerly the Batman and the Outsiders Party prior to a restraining order from DC Comics), of which I am the first candidate and only member; my running mate, Uma Thurman, has not been informed of her position as vice-president, but I'm hoping she will be amenable to a draft. Our campaign is small, consisting only of me and the three people who read my blog, but we are determined, and we already have a slogan ("Pierce/Thurman: 'Team Awesome' for the American Future") which I think is pretty nifty.

The campaign would like to extend to you the position of Official Blogger and Netroots Advisor to our presidential run. We are unconcerned with any history of drug abuse, sexual infidelity, or making fun of religious conservatives, and we promise to stand by you no matter what. You will never be asked to resign, because there is literally nothing you can do that will harm our campaign. The pay, unfortunately, is zero, but you will have free run of my collection of
Simpsons DVDs, free cigarettes, and the ambassadorship to a country of your choice in the event of a win. I'm sure that you'll find yourself in agreement with whatever positions on the issues my exploratory committee gets around to telling me I have.

Our announcement for the presidency can be found at, and our platform is hinted at on Please consider this offer. There is a home for you, Amanda Marcotte, in the Pierce/Thurman campaign.

Leonard A. Pierce
Freelance Writer
Future President of the United States

lucifrix: “Once in the White House, what sort of amusing comments or facial features will you draw on some of the presidential portraits?”

I will not deface the portraits of these great men with either comical moustaches or snide graffiti. I have too much respect for them for that. I will, however, give them hilarious nicknames and carry on drunken conversations with the portraits, a la Richard Nixon.

lester22: “What is your campaign song? Also, what do you intend to keep on your desk in the Oval Office (a la Reagan's jellybeans)?

My campaign song is “You Can Have Watergate, Just Gimme Some Bucks and I’ll Be Straight” by the JBs. On my desk, I will keep a loaded & chambered Colt .45 M1911A semiautomatic handgun, next to a sign reading “Just try it, asshole”.

roninspoon: “What is your policy position on hot sluts?”

We are pro-hot slut, with qualifications. Please see our position paper #004, “Hot Sluts: A Neo-Feminist Reclamation, with Photos”.

editrix26: “Will you be banning ‘My Humps’ or making it your theme song?

I will be doing neither. However, there is no place in my administration for anyone caught humming the song or keeping it on his or her iPod.

proteus454: “Why should I, as a Canadian, vote for you?”

You shouldn’t. You should vote for my opponent, thus allowing me to contest their victory on the basis of electoral fraud.

hipsterdetritus: “How big were the breasts of the prostitute you snorted cocaine off of?”

Your question is insolent, misguided, and wrong, sir. You should ask, rather, “How big were the prostititute’s breasts off of which you snorted cocaine?”, in order to avoid ending the sentence with a preposition.

blue_straggler: “Sir, how would you rank the following in terms of awesomeness? (1) Cupcake-making robots, (2) the theme from Enter the Dragon, and (3) your campaign.”

The theme from Enter the Dragon is more awesome than my campaign, but as it was written by an Argentine, it cannot be president. However, to prove my campaign’s awesomeness, I promise here and now to earmark funds for research into the development of a cupcake-making robot if I am elected.

thaitea: “What's your policy on lunch?”

I am pro-lunch, unreservedly.

cheezaddict: “Tell me only the good things about your mother.”

My mother is a saint, and good things are the only things to tell. An attempt at enumerating them all would carry well into my second term.

masterninja66: “How do you plan to address tax issues relating to Americans living abroad?”

As “Your majesty”.

elston: “What is your response to critics who say that your presidency will be influenced by campaign contributions from the American Milk Solids Council?”

The good people at the AMSC are simply trying to help me help you build a better America. The numerous pieces of legislation my team is drafting that are favorable to the milk solids industry are not a reflection of the generous donations they have made to my campaign, but simply my recognition of the vital role that milk solids play in our national welfare.

conrad_zaar: “Who do you think you are?”

I think I am the man who will be the 44th President of the United States.

andrewlevine: “Where stand you on Free Silver?”

I would like some.

foaf: “Kidding on the square? Seriously?”

Sort of, by definition.
Tags: junk, trivium

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