Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator (ludickid) wrote,
Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator

It ain't no fun if the ladies don't get some

Okay, I think we can all agree that the guys pretty much blow this year, and that it'll be a goddamn miracle if one of those clowns shows enough to make it into the final rounds. Ryan Seacrest amused me for the one and only time in his feeble existence by constantly asking the guys what they thought of whichever performer had just completely smoked them. So, pausing to celebrate the fact that Fantasia Barrino is gonna be on tonight's show, let's look at the ladies!

STEPHANIE: I didn't dig her at first, but she sold the fuck outta this performance. She's got a nice jazz vocalist style, and put a lot more pizzazz into this one than she has before. Even the arrangement was pretty snazzy. She oversold it at the end, too much scaly pyrotechnics, but overall, that was dynamite. (Naturally, Randy loved the run at the end, because he is a jackass.)

AMY: Amy is stinky poop. She is stinkier poop than peed-on doo-doo at low tide. Her new haircut could not obscure her deeply boring performance or perfume the stink of poop that emerges from her mouth every time she sings a song. She is my least favorite person ever to be named Krebs and she should be banished from this show, and possibly also from human society. Perhaps I am being a big harsh but my point is, Amy is stinky poop. (When even drunk-ass Paula doesn't like you, you are doomed. As is the case 99% of the time, Simon had her number with the "personality of a candle" remark.)

LESLIE: Don't say that the show has given you confidence and self-assurance when you're clearly about to cry. I don't really like Leslie, because she's got a good husky tone that she doesn't do anything with and her looks and delivery are super-generic, but I'm sort of rooting for her on a certain level because it seems like she might become a huge junkie and self-destruct in a spectacular fashion. Barring that, though, she doesn't have much going on. (Randy actually got it right here – that's a song you use to blow people out of the water, and Leslie just sorta breezed through it.)

SABRINA: Sabrina is from Studio City, where ninafarina lives, so rooting for her leaves open the slight possibility that my ex will get to see an American Idol winner drinking a mocha latte, but that's not much to go on, because Sabrina, while she's got a lot of ambition trying to sell these growly blues-belter songs, just doesn't have the chops to pull them off. Maybe if she smoked a lot of cigarettes beforehand. Sheesh, I dunno, maybe if she picked better material suited to her high, clear voice, not this gritty stuff. I'll have to settle for the slight possibility that my ex will get to see an American Idol loser drinking a mocha latte. (I can't believe that Simon went for this one so heavy. It's not even remotely the best performance we've seen so far.)

ANTONINELLA: Man, bad song, bad performance, and not particularly charismatic from someone who's kinda showed us something in the past, but I can't really hate it; she seems to be one of the only ones who really wants to fuck around with the arrangements and do something with them. Unfortunately, her voice doesn't quite seem up to what her brain wants it to do. There's no way she's gonna get very far, which is too bad, because she might be one of the only ones who doesn't just wanna sing the songs in a straight-up manner. (Hey, guess what? Randy thinks it was "pitchy"! Another fascinating and original observation from Randy.)

JORDIN: She's from my hometown of Glendale, AZ, and she's got a decent, big voice, but not much of a gift for picking material. Also, boy, she doesn't look or sound 17. She's no Paris (ROBBED), but I think she really showed something this time out; much brassier and more daring than the safe, dull saccharine ballads she did before. On the other hand, she didn't deliver much power on it until the end (when she really blew up good), and that's too bad, because she's got a solid power voice. She and Sabrina need to trade material. I hope she sticks around, anyway. Not as good as Stephanie, but mighty fine. (Again I find myself agreeing with Randy, which disturbs me.)

NICOLE: Nicole is cute, and she's a voice major, which accounts for the fact that she really knows what the fuck she's doing with herself up there. She's also managed to sell the showbiz stuff and the movement, which she didn't have much of early on. Her material sucks ass, but no one on this show ever picks good songs. Not inspiring, but hellaciously competent, which counts for a lot this season. (Randy admits he is too dumb to understand this song, apparently. Also, Paula is really hitting her drunk spot by this point in the show. Odd to hear Simon say that she was too aggressive; he usually likes that in a performer.)

HALEY: She's from San Antonio so I already hate her. I'm not a good person. (As an aside, can we stop talking about our "Idol journey now? Great, thanks, see you tomorrow night.) It's not even that there's something obnoxious about her – she's not incompetent or even really boring – it's just that she sounds like a hundred thousand other girl pop singers in the world. She throws in those arbitrary, show-off runs to hide the fact that she doesn't have anything original to say, and she's just so totally indistinctive that I can't imagine her getting very far. Then again, I said the same thing about Taylor Hicks. (Randy wanted to be meaner to her but he was hypnotized by her tits. Simon got close to it by saying she sounded like a good hotel singer.)

MELINDA: My hands-down favorite from the early rounds, so I was prepared to love her tonight. She's a professional singer, and thus a bit of a ringer, but I mean, shit, for someone who got tagged as having no confidence in the early goings, she just ripped it up tonight. She's gonna have to really fuck up to not be my odds-on pick moving forward. Melinda doesn't have magazine-cover good looks, which could work against her, but that's about the only thing she doesn't own. (Judges were pretty blown away by her too; she's gonna go far, no doubt.)

MARIAH CAREY: Oops, sorry, Alaina! Anyway, it's Mariah Carey, with all that implies. She's got the looks and the overblown, blowsy charm that they like on this dopey show, and she does those crappy, predictable runs, but holy fuck, her faults as a singer have never been more evident than when she tried to tackle "Brass in Pocket". She oversold when she should have been subtle, and was boring when she needed build. I dunno, people seem to dig her, but this performance really turned me off on almost every level, and I think she even fucked up and flattened some key notes. I hope she doesn't stick around much, though I fear she will. (The judges weren't as gaga for her as they have been in the past, though, so that's a pretty good sign. For me, not for Mariah Carey.)

GINA: Gina's claim to fame is that she has auditioned for American Idol five times and never made it. Do you know why she has auditioned for American Idol five times and never made it? Because she's not very good, that's why. (Simon's the only one who doesn't feel sorry for her, so he gave her a pretty honest rundown.)

LAKISHA: There's a billion reasons to dig on LaKisha; she's a single mom from Flint, MI, she's got that old-school gospelly voice, and she knows how to sell the shit out of a song. I don't think she'll make it all the way; there's more talented singers on the show with more style, and this wasn't her best performance, being a bit bland in the early goings and done much better by the robbed-ass Jennifer Hudson. But she's still pretty damn good, and I sorta hope she sticks around 'til late just on g.p. (Ordinarily, she's the kinda singer I'd think the judges don't give enough credit, but this time, I think they mighta overpraised her a bit. Still, she's clearly in the class of this group.)

So, to recap:

1. Melinda
2. Stephanie
3. LaKisha

1. Gina
2. Haley
3. Mariah Carey

1. Amy
Tags: teevee

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