As a result, I've already started spending the money.
- solid gold basketball
- car that runs on wishes
- radioactive space castle
- pay a guy to follow me around and fix it so all the crimes I commit get blamed on Mojo Nixon
- vending machine that dispenses hookers
- expensive cocaine habit, followed by expensive cocaine addiction treatment habit
- unsuccessful bid for office of Superhero-in-Chief of the state of North California
- fifteen consectutive sex change operations, including three concurrent
- calling up the author of whatever book I'm reading and making him go through the big words with me, because I have $340 million
- vacations: Atlantis; Cimmera; Passaic, NJ
- extreme sports adventures (naked)
- hiring Sufjan Stevens to write a concept album about my extreme naked sports adventures
- bringing Horatio Alger back from the dead so I can argue with him
- buy Trump Tower; rename it the Leonard Pierce Trump Tower
- new car that looks just like my old car, but it can change into a Ferrari
- hiring John Updike to write the Ludic Log
- hiring Bruce Vilanch to punch up the Ludic Log
- hiring Mike Tyson to punch out Bruce Vilanch
- commissioning someone to design and build a PlayStation 4, then bribing Sony to let me get higher on the waiting list for it when it comes out
- finally getting on Osama bin-Laden's speed-dial
After all that, I figure I can start making some frivolous discretionary purchases.
*: Speaking of which, non-Texans probably aren't following this story particularly closely, but they should be: it's an absolutely darling little tale of naked political corruption, of the sort that surprises even me, and I'm from Chicago. Gov. Haircut is obviously secure enough in his eventual cabinet posthood that he can do stuff like this, and I love the comment (of the 'please have the kindness not to notice this incredibly obvious thing happening before your very eyes' school) from the UBS spokesman: "The two are in no way connected. Trying to connect them is a myth." We learn so much from studying the myths, don't you think?