Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator (ludickid) wrote,
Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator

Lenwell Predicts: Your incredible future!

Lately just everybody who's anybody has gotten in on the prognostication game. I guess it pays well and nobody holds you accountable if you constantly fuck up, which is an advantage it has over my current job, so I figured I'd jump that action. So, here's my first round of PREDICTIONS! OF! YOUR! FUTURE! ! ! ! !

1. As predicted by innumerable right-wing blowhards, Europe will indeed be taken over by Islamic extremists by the year 2020. However, this will be balanced out when Mormons take over the middle east in 2022, Hinayana Buddhists take over central America in 2025, and a small faction of sky-clad Jainists inexplicably take control of North America in 2029.

2. The hot new musical trend of the 2010s will be "drum music", which does not actually feature percussion instruments, but is a form of acapella singing, first popularized by Temple University's Black Whiffenpoofs, that involves rhythmically chanting the word "drum" to the tune of popular hits from the 1970s.

3. Ghana will emerge as a world power in 2037 when a routine gold-mining survey reveals the existence of rich veins of magical gypsum that tastes like ice cream and grants wishes. After nearly three decades as the world's greatest superpower, however, Ghana will fall to pieces from a combination of factors, including increasing gypsum intolerance, a destructive war with Togo over who was supposed to close out the beer tab on National Farmer's Day, and the discovery of a clause in the U.S. Constitution that says no African country is allowed to be a superpower ever.

4. Troubled superstar Lindsay Lohan will find temporary redemption when she is energized by a run for Queen of Grillobia, only to spiral even further into drugs and depression when she learns that there is no such country as Grillobia and if there were, its monarchy would probably be handed down through a hereditary line rather than subject to electoral process.

5. The World Court brings Chinese president Hu Jintao to trial for his nation's illegal occupation of Tibet, but is released following a 'not guilty' verdict as a result of his successful argument that it was all Tibet's fault, because it was just asking to be invaded, and if it wasn't, they why was it sitting right there rubbing up against China, showing off its Himalayas in that skimpy saffron robe?

6. The United States bans making out in the 2036 elections following the widespread assumption of office by right-wing religious fundamentalists. Teenagers are urged to channel their sexual urges into the creation of creepy oil paintings of Jesus, while adults manage to sublimate their urgest to chew on each other's necks by beating up illegal immigrants from Nicaragua, who are flown in just for that purpose.

7. It is scientifically proven that global warming is a myth. Unfortunately, the part of global warming that is a myth turns out to be that global warming can turn you to stone if you see it naked. The part where the ozone layer depletes causing greenhouse gasses to be trapped and resulting in widespread environmental catastrophes, that part is true. The automotive industry responds by pointing out that cigarettes are really bad for you.
Tags: laffs, news, politics

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