Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator (ludickid) wrote,
Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator

March Clinical Insanity

I do not now, nor have I ever, known anything about college basketball. I did not graduate from college, and even if I had, I would not care about collegiate athletics of any kind. (I even played college sports, and I could give less than a shit about my former team. I could maybe name three guys who played for them after me and have no idea if the team was any good post-1993.) When I was a huge NBA fan, my interest in college basketball was limited only to the players my team picked in the draft, and now that I am only a casual NBA fan, I couldn’t tell you who the best college player in the country is for a thousand dollars.

However, I’ve never let total ignorance and lack of interest in the subject stand in the way of my giving an opinion on something. Herewith, my NCAA tournament picks.

IN THE GAME OF FLORIDA VS. JACKSON STATE: My pick is Florida. There is no such state as Jackson.

IN THE GAME OF ARIZONA VS. PURDUE: My pick is Arizona. It is my home state, and Purdue chickens are flat, tasteless and made in unsavory conditions.

IN THE GAME OF BUTLER VS. OLD DOMINION: My pick is Old Dominion. That is a much better name, and I would imagine their opponents will be hindered by the cummerbund.

IN THE GAME OF MARYLAND VS. DAVIDSON: My pick is Maryland. Davidson makes me think of wooden-haired 1980s game show fixture John Davidson.

IN THE GAME OF NOTRE DAME VS. WINTHROP: My pick is Notre Dame. Winthrop is clearly the name of a Butler.

IN THE GAME OF OREGON VS. MIAMI (OH) My pick is Oregon. Miami is in Florida. They’re not fooling anyone.

IN THE GAME OF UNLV VS. GEORGIA TECH: My pick is Georgia Tech. Their fight song amuses me.

IN THE GAME OF WISCONSIN VS. TEXAS A&M C.C. My pick is Wisconsin. The latter simply has too many abbreviations.

IN THE GAME OF KANSAS VS. FLORIDA A&M: My pick is Kansas. I am annoyed by agricultural & mining colleges, and also with the overrepresentation of Florida.

IN THE GAME OF KENTUCKY VS. VILLANOVA: My pick is Kentucky. Because, uh, Bill Monroe was from there, I guess.

IN THE GAME OF VIRGINIA TECH VS. ILLINOIS: : My pick is Virginia Tech. They will use their mastery of technology to devise a sinister plot to win the game,

IN THE GAME OF SOUTHERN ILLINOIS VS. HOLY CROSS: My pick is Holy Cross. Jesus is on their side.

IN THE GAME OF DUKE VS. VCU: My pick is Duke. I don’t even know what VCU stands for. It sounds like a Law & Order spinoff.

IN THE GAME OF PITTSBURGH VS. WRIGHT STATE: My pick is Pittsburgh. Again, Wright is not a state. Anyone who picks them is rong, OH HO HO HO.

IN THE GAME OF INDIANA VS. GONZAGA: My pick is Gonzaga. They sound like a cheese I like, and I hate everything there is to hate about Indiana.

IN THE GAME OF UCLA VS. WEBER STATE: My pick is UCLA. Because I do see LA, and Weber is not a state, but a grill.

IN THE GAME OF NORTH CAROLINA VS. EASTERN KENTUCKY: My pick is North Carolina. They have better barbecue, and Eastern Kentucky is really southwestern West Virginia, which is just confusing.

IN THE GAME OF MARQUETTE VS. MICHIGAN STATE: My pick is Michigan State, because Marquette sounds French and therefore suspicious.

IN THE GAME OF USC VS. ARKANSAS: My pick is USC, because I would rather hang out in southern California than in Arkansas.

IN THE GAME OF TEXAS VS. NEW MEXICO STATE: My pick is Texas, because, come on. New Mexico State?

IN THE GAME OF VANDERBILT VS. GEORGE WASHINGTON: My pick is Vanderbilt. Sure, it’s hard to pick in this battle of dead prominent Americans, but while Washington was a general, a president and a Founding Father, Vanderbilt was richer and has been dead for less time.

IN THE GAME OF WASHINGTON STATE VS. ORAL ROBERTS: My pick is Washington State, because Oral Roberts has been promising for 20 years that God would kill him if he didn’t make more money and he’s still alive.

IN THE GAME OF BOSTON COLLEGE VS. TEXAS TECH: My pick is Texas Tech. Boston College’s name is unusual. I confuse it with Boston University and this is simply unacceptable.

IN THE GAME OF GEORGETOWN VS. BELMONT: My pick is Georgetown. If you wanna give a team a bye, just go ahead and do it, don’t make up these imaginary colleges.

IN THE GAME OF OHIO STATE VS. CENTRAL CONNECTICUT STATE: My pick is Ohio State. I didn’t even know there was, technically, a central Connecticut.

IN THE GAME OF BYU VS. XAVIER: My pick is Xavier. In any fight between crazy Catholics vs. crazy Mormons, back Rome.

IN THE GAME OF TENNESSEE VS. LONG BEACH STATE: My pick is Tennessee. Again, Long Beach is a beach, not a state, and there isn’t a college on it. Also, I got beat up there once.

IN THE GAME OF VIRGINIA VS. ALBANY: My pick is Virginia. Because it’s for lovers.

IN THE GAME OF LOUISVILLE VS. STANFORD: My pick is Stanford. They suffered enough in Civil War. They don’t need a tourney defeat to make things worse.

IN THE GAME OF TEXAS A&M VS. PENNSYLVANIA: My pick is Pennsylvania. There are nice people there, and I’ve already made clear my objection to land colleges that teach mining.

IN THE GAME OF NEVADA VS. CREIGHTON: My pick is Nevada. Creighton, eh? Whom do they think they’re kidding?

IN THE GAME OF MEMPHIS VS. NORTH TEXAS: My pick is Memphis. Because I flipped a coin.

There you are! Bet accordingly.
Tags: laffs, sports

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