Hey there, Idol fans! It's me, Leonard "Stephanie Seems Like Such a Lock to Get to the Final Four" Pierce, to recap another show and then give my guaranteed-to-be-wrong prediction for who gets dumped. Tonight's celebrity coach is Gwen "Belly Shirt" Stefani, which should be great for contestants like Sanjaya and Haley: who better to teach them how to make the most out of not being able to sing particularly well? Gwen certainly looks like she's had some plastic surgery done on her face, though, so I guess that means she's a real superstar. On wit the show!
LAKISHA: LaKisha makes Gwen "sweaty", which, really, is more than I needed to know. I dunno about this one – LaKisha seems a bit off. The song doesn't fit her voice all that well, and she seemed to be a step behind the beat at times. She sold the hell out of the vocal, though, so it's not as if it was a bad performance or anything, just not as good as I expected. I really want her to go far, and given the Stephanie boot last week, this performance – good, but not LaKisha good – makes me nervous. The judges liked it, though, so maybe she's okay.
FAT CHRIS: The Jesus people don't like Fat Chris anymore because his songs are not as Christocentered as they would like. He's singing a Police song, and Gwen Stefani makes what would be an insightful comment if it weren't coming out of Gwen Stefani. I actually like Chris' performance better than Sting's because he doesn't natter on about elves afterwards, but Gwen's right about him stiffing the tempo, and what's with the goofball echo effect on the vocals? This is just okay – the vocal's good, but the overall performance seems a bit scrambled. He'll survive, though.
GINA: Boy, do I super-hate this song! Also Gina's outfit, which appears to be a collision between a Neil Gaiman piss-take and a Hot Topic outlet store. In the reverse of my normal clueless reviews, I choose to focus not in her highly competent vocal performance, but her crappy song choice, lack of showmanship, and goofy clothing. I bet the judges will like it, since they normally do the opposite of what I want them to. And yay, I'm right! Once again, I learn that in life, following my instincts ends with me ass over elbow right in the crapper.
SANJAYA: Why won't you die, Sanjaya? This is all just a stupid plot by Howard Stern to drive me insane. I think he forgot some lyrics in the second verse, and you know what? It's not even going to make any difference. The only way he'll stay out of the final four is if someone drops a piano on his head. Which I really hope will happen.
HALEY: Well, they put the two worst singers right here in the middle of the show, which is convenient in the get-your-root-canal-and-hernia-test-on-t
PHIL: What is this, Phil's designated spot or something? They always stick him right here in the middle of the show, so that his performances can't possibly stick in your mind very long. Which, come to think of it, probably works in his favor, because then you don't remember that he's pretty dull. He delivers this song pretty much straight-up, sounding a lot like Sting as it happens, which means he doesn't do anything embarrassing like he did last week, but it's boring. It's like Don Henley. And yet, it's the best male vocal of the night so far! Because the guys suck.
MELINDA: I can't get over how much I look forward to hearing Melinda sing. I don't like her goofball "hip cocktail party mom circa 1974" outfit, but jeez, it's another fantastic performance, and she looks so confident and showy up there – there's just no way anyone deserves to win this thing but her. The only way she doesn't get my vote all the way through is if she gargles Turtle Wax or something. Top-shelf. She's got it all going on, and the judges are running out of ways to tell her how good she is – I think they wanna hand it to her as much as I do. Even Simon has to kinda stretch for something bad to say about her. I love Mindy Doo!
BLAKE: Aw, nertz! I was hoping Blake would beatbox on this one, because I have always wondered what the Cure would sound like if Buff the Human Beat Box was their lead singer instead of Robert Smith. I'm surprised to hear Chris and Randy agree that he's the strongest guy in the competition – I'd hand that to Chris Sligh – but this was a pretty proficient, if boring, performance. The big surprise here is how much Paula, even when she's not drunk, wants to do it with Blake.
JORDIN: I kinda expected Jordin to blow me away with this one, with no Stephanie to compete with and LaKisha turning in an average-for-LaKisha performance, but it wasn't that great. She shoulda funked it up a bit more, but I guess it's hoping beyond hope that anyone besides Melinda will ever do anything funky on this show. It wasn't bad, it just was in tune with this week's show overall – a bit dull, no problems really, but beyond you-know-who, nothing much to write home about. Oh and the other thing is that I fucking hate No Doubt.
THIN CHRIS: Chris always rises to his level of competence, and actually started out this song pretty well before sorta falling apart towards the end. Did I mention how much I hate No Doubt, and this song in particular? A pretty decent performance overall, but man, super-emblematic of a dull episode.
So, my worthless prediction: Haley gets the big cowboy boot tomorrow night. The real question: how will I be proven totally wrong?