Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator (ludickid) wrote,
Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator
ludickid

I'm also predicting both my fantasy teams will end up in last place

I know that dozens of you -- well, okay, be fair, none of you -- have been looking forward to my 2007 baseball season predictions. So here they are, in haiku form for your reading enjoyment. I stand by every one of them except the ones that turn out to be wrong.


ARIZONA DIAMONDBACKS
Spending like water
Won’t buy a championship --
Well, at least, not yet.
(Prediction: third place, NL West)

ATLANTA BRAVES
Health and age your foes
The ‘90s are over, man:
You’ll reign no longer.
(Prediction: second place, NL East)

BALTIMORE ORIOLES
Enjoy the nice park;
Markakis will not save you.
Your franchise is doomed.
(Prediction: last place, AL East)

BOSTON RED SOX
Such a potent ‘pen!
And Manny being Manny
Please hurt the Yankees.
(Prediction: first place, AL East)

CHICAGO CUBS
Overspending creeps
All those millions buy you naught:
Enjoy last place, chumps.
(Prediction: last place, NL Central)

CHICAGO WHITE SOX
O beloved Hose,
I have left you, Chicago!
So has the pitching.
(Prediction: fourth place, AL Central)

CINCINNATI REDS
Does Griffey still live?
When will this team rule again?
Not this year, buddy.
(Prediction: fourth place, NL Central)

CLEVELAND INDIANS
Your bullpen most fierce
Though much improved, I hate you:
A racist cartoon.
(Prediction: third place, AL Central)

COLORADO ROCKIES
Pitchers fear your name
Your stadium is a joke
Your beer is urine.
(Prediction: last place, NL West)

DETROIT TIGERS
Sheffield hits the ball
Bonderman and Verlander
“Grrr”, Zumaya, “roar”.
(Prediction: second place, AL Central; Wild Card; World Series winner)

FLORIDA MARLINS
Middle of the pack
Loria fucks you again:
Dontrelle gone by June.
(Prediction: third place, NL East)

HOUSTON ASTROS
A surprising year
With or without the Rocket:
Wild card shows an “H”.
(Prediction: second place, NL Central; Wild Card)

KANSAS CITY ROYALS
Hapless baseball clowns
The Phillies of the Midwest
You lose a hundred.
(Prediction: last place, AL Central)

LOS ANGELES DODGERS
Is good good enough?
Weakest division winner
Going nowhere fast.
(Prediction: first place, NL West)

MILWAUKEE BREWERS
Sheets comes through at last
And a good season results!
Return to AL.
(Prediction: third place, NL Central)

MINNESOTA TWINS
This year, you are great
Santana, Mauer crush foes
Choke in the playoffs.
(Prediction: first place, AL Central)

LOS ANGELES ANGELS
Always good to great
In hoc Guerrero vincit
But not good enough.
(Prediction: first place, AL West)

NEW YORK METS
With mighty hitting
Pedro returns in glory
Nigh-unstoppable.
(Prediction: first place, NL East; NL pennant winner)

NEW YORK YANKEES
Aged rotation,
An owner straight from Mordor.
Torre fired at last.
(Prediction: second place, AL East)

OAKLAND ATHLETICS
Here the arms are strong
But bats lie strangely silent:
A disappointment.
(Prediction: third place, AL West)

PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES
104 years,
Just one world championship?
This will change never.
(Prediction: last place, NL East)

PITTSBURGH PIRATES
Again this summer
Pennsylvania baseball sucks;
Thank God for the Cubs.
(Prediction: fifth place, NL Central)

ST. LOUIS CARDINALS
Another great year
But still, you will not repeat:
Pitching falls apart.
(Prediction: first place, NL Central)

SAN DIEGO PADRES
At the water’s edge
So easily forgotten
And with good reason.
(Prediction: fourth place, NL West)

SAN FRANCISCO GIANTS
Barry gets his bombs
A big media circus
All for second place.
(Prediction: second place, NL West)

SEATTLE MARINERS
Pacific Northwest,
Why have you so lost your way?
Have a fire sale, dudes.
(Prediction: last place, AL West)

TAMPA BAY DEVIL RAYS
Though Delmon triumphs,
Still you gather dust and shame.
Why do you exist?
(Prediction: fourth place, AL East)

TEXAS RANGERS
This year you won’t suck;
That’s a surprise. Still, you’ll lose;
That, by God, is not.
(Prediction: second place, AL West)

TORONTO BLUE JAYS
With the Expos gone
You aimless Canadians
Soldier on alone.
(Prediction: third place, AL East)

WASHINGTON NATIONALS
Anonymous fools
Is last place the place for you?
Not while there’s Phillies.
(Prediction: fourth place, NL East)


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