Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator (ludickid) wrote,
Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator

Tell me somethin' good!

Here are some Good Friday facts about the day that God was forced to murder his only child because we wouldn't listen to him.

- "Good Friday" symbolizes the torture and death of Jesus, which saved us all from having to go to Hell and suffer forever for breaking a bunch of rules God made up. After Jesus died, all those rules changed anyway, so it might seem sort of pointless, especially in light of the fact that God, being omnipotent, could have eliminated sin from the get-go. But on the other hand, you get to fast!

- Mainstream Christian churches teach Christ's crucifixion and subsequent resurrection as the conquest of death itself. For Jesus, at least. Everyone else continued to die.

- "Good Friday" really means "God Friday". "Friday" means "Frey's Day". So really "Good Friday" means "God's Frey Day". The two are not on speaking terms. Armenians call it "High Friday" and Russians call it "Passion Friday", although getting high and physically expressing your passion are both considered sins. In the Holy Land, it is referred to as "Big Friday" and is followed by "Sabado Gigante" (GALAVISON, 7:30PM or check local listings.) The Chinese, who tend to be straightforward about such things, call it "耶稣受难日": "Jesus' Crucifixion Day".

- If you work in a place with a lot of Catholics, you probably don't have to work on Good Friday.

- In Poland, many people erect a tableau of Christ's tomb, and people parade past kissing the wounds on his body. This is referred, in the Orthodox liturgical tradition, as "gross". In the Phillipines, processionals often include self-flagellation and, on occassion, the nailing of one's self to a cross as a sign of penance. This is entirely different from what followers of Islam do during the hajj, because Muslims are crazy.

- In many English-speaking countries, Christians celebrate the holiday by eating hot cross buns. This symbolizes Jesus' death on the cross, and how he had a really tight ass. It also allows for followers of Christ to experience some of his deprivation and suffering, by eating a pastry with no jam, abstaining from sausage one day out of seven, not getting to go to the horse track, or having to take the day off of work.

- The Good Friday Experiment demonstrated the shocking fact that people are a lot more likely to have mystical revelations and spiritual visions if you crank them full of drugs first.

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