This week's recap will probably enrage some of my readers who are fond of the music of celebrity coach Jon Bon Jovi, containing as it does multiple references to how he is a talentless moron and how much I hate him and wish he would become involved in a plane crash in the Andes and get eaten by Peruvian soccer players, but you know what? I don't care. My hatred for Bon Jovi far exceeds my love of any friends I have who like Bon Jovi. I am an anti-Bon Joviist first and foremost. Which means, well, this episode of AI is going to be hard to sit through. It's times like this, when I am immediately threatened with the phrase "Idol celebrates the music of Bon Jovi" and moves on to make the staggering claim that they are "one of the greatest rock bands in history" that I wonder why I watch this fucking show. But watch it I did, so let's all suffer together.
PHIL ("Blaze of Glory"): Simon, in one of the few times I have disagreed with him, was wrong about this, I think. It's a rare misjudgment. Phil rocked this song as much as it could be rocked. Which is to say, I mean, this song blows. It's a crap song from a crap Western movie by a crap Jersey hair metal band, and nothing's gonna make it not crap, but Phil did the best with it anyone could be expected to do. It might seem like Phil's in danger since he's always so low in the voting, but I think this is the week we'll finally see the Melinda/LaKisha/Jordin split.
JORDIN ("Livin' on a Prayer"): Words cannot adequately describe how much I hate this song, so I'm not even going to try. If Hitler were a song, he would be this song, or possibly this song would be Stalin and Billy Joel's "Uptown Girl" would be Hitler. I hate it, is what I'm getting at. Jordin looks hilarious, rocking some kind of crazy mulatto Stacey Q getup, but the performance is pretty bad; the song's not in her range, and she sings it without any heart and can't even pretend to rock. More and more I think it's doomsday for her; she hasn't wowed like Melinda or LaKisha lately and really suffers whem singing material not suited for her.
LAKISHA ("This Ain't a Love Song"): Jon Bon Jovi gets to act black around LaKisha with this classic soul number by Sam Cooke. HA HA, no! I'm kidding! It's by Jon Bon Jovi! Am I overselling my deep hatred for Bon Jovi? No? Okay, I'll try to do better. Anyway, this is the week everyone decided to dress like a jackass, but the unbearable song is salvaged by the fact that LaKisha does it quite well. By not picking an obvious 'rocker', she comes out unscathed, with the sole exception of, when nailing the hell out of the final note, assuming the body language of someone taking a dump. At any rate, she did so well that it really looks grim for Jordin at this point.
BLAKE ("You Give Love a Bad Name"): Oh, boy, he's gonna beatbox it! I'm so excited! Jon Bon Jovi is clearly enraged at the thought of Blake sullying his brilliant songwriting, but as much as it pains me to admit this sad fact, I kinda enjoy the interpretation. Blake is no Rahzel, or even Buff, but he acquits himself nicely, overcoming even his Boogaloo-Shrimp-meets-Eddie-Van-Halen outfit. It's a creative take and a pretty good one, but, of course, the show isn't about creativity, it's about performance. Blake didn't sing much on this song (and, in fact, cheated and made the audience do it), but it worked as a performance, the judges liked it, and fuck it -- he can sing later on. Good for him for taking a chance of showing off his actual talent.
REMAINING CHRIS ("Wanted Dead or Alive"): You've seen a million faces and you've rocked them all, Chris, you jerk. Even I know that. Jon Bon Jovi ruins my enjoyment of the only song of his that doesn't make me want to throw up by yapping on about the blues, which is something I always love to hear about from super-rich white guys. Chris tries so hard to be rockin' that he forgets to hold the microphone close enough to his mouth to be heard, but this is probably an inadvertent act of mercy. We know that Chris is a decent singer, but you couldn't tell from this blah performance. He sucked, the other guys were much better, and if he survives until next week, it's only because America decided not to go easy on Jordin. Also, his pre-performance interview pretty well established that he is the dumbest remaining contestant on the show.
MELINDA ("Have a Nice Day"): You know why Melinda kicks this song's ass? Well, partly because it's a pussy song whose ass is easy to kick. But it's mostly because she's a goddamn great singer, that's why. Despite her own helpfully self-mocking jokes about not knowing how to rock*, she rocks harder than anyone else on the show, including the celebrity dipshit who wrote the song, because (a) she's a terrific performer who can figure out right away the feel of a song and how to sell it just right, and (b) rock originated with voices like Melinda's and became what it is today because people like Bon Jovi can't sing the way Melinda can. She has trouble with material like this the way John Coltrane would have trouble with playing a Kenny G song. I should never worry about Mindy Doo; you put something by her feet, and she's gonna step on it, hard.
So, in conclusion, BOTTOM THREE: Phil, Chris, Jordin; DOOMED: Jordin.
*: When she meets Jon Bon Jovi, Melinda says "I can't rock," to which he replies "I can teach you how to rock". NO, JON BON JOVI. YOU CANNOT TEACH ANYONE HOW TO ROCK, for the same reason I cannot teach anyone how to fly an airplane.