2. The word "grandbaby" shall not be used.
3. Driving under the speed limit shall be subject to fine, rated against the current per-mile charge established by the appropriate municipal department for taxicabs.
4. Marginalizing risk through underwriting by tax revenue while privatizing gain shall be punishable by caning. The caning will be delivered by NFL linemen of South Pacific Islander origin and televised with your host, Rodney Allen Rippy.
5. That thing where you say that people should listen to your argument even though you do not in fact adhere to its premises yourself? I should be allowed to do that. But just me.
6. Short people are to be officially designated as having no reason to live. All short people failing to produce documentation establishing a reason to live by end of business day, March 29, 2008 will be deported to the steppes of Central Asia, where they will be encouraged to become sheep.
7. Everyone involved in the production of a book I saw this weekend about how to knit your own lingerie is to be hunted for sport.
8. In an unprecedented, one-time-only "Lifetime Acheivement Award" move, Major League Baseball is to add 20 wins to the Chicago White Sox' total.
9. Special fines are to be levied against anyone with more than five records in which a string quartet covers songs by a pop combo; anyone calling their band "the _______ Brothers" when they are not actually brothers; and anyone who cannot explain what they do for a living withough using the word "choices".
10. Indiana is to be merged with Ohio and renamed "Lesser Ohio". The New England states are to be unified and actually called "New England", until such time as I visit them and am able to tell them apart. The Texas panhandle is to be donated to Goodwill.