Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator (ludickid) wrote,
Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator
ludickid

And now it's time for another exciting installment of OPEN LETTERS!

Dear my employer,

I greatly enjoy working for this company, and I understand that I am not as well-versed in the editorial style that you have certified as best suited to serve the needs of the ELL high school students at whom the current project is directed. However, I cannot imagine any circumstance under which sentence fragments should be permitted in the text, and the headline "Learn Comprehension: Learn Comprehension" contains at least two words too many.

editorially yours,
Leonard

***

Dear porn-spam solicitor,

Despite your apparent belief to the contrary, "SWEET TEEN GIRL TAKES IN 8 DICKS AT ONCE -- YOU WILL BE DELIGHTED" is not an enticing subject line to me. "Delighted" is about as far from my likely reaction to seeing such a thing as can be imagined.

I am, however, somewhat intrigued by the logistics of the set-up. Assuming that, despite her sweet teen status, she can fit two dicks each into her anus, vagina and mouth, that still leaves open the question of where the other two go. My guess is one in each hand, because the alternatives -- in the ears? the nostrils? is she a stigmatic? -- are too horrible to contemplate.

Let it be known that I still have no intention of clicking on your link. However, you will surely be interested to know that you have hit upon a sort of 'magic number' of gross pornography that slightly piqued my interest. If you'd added just one more dick, you might have received some special prize in mathematics.

In frank amazement,
Leonard

***

Dear woman ahead of me in line at Subway,

Your expression of happy surprise at learning that this Subway location sells personal pizzas was enjoyable; you were so excited that I was temporarily blinded (or whatever the olfactory equivalent of blindness is) to the fact that I have rarely encountered a white woman wearing so much Jheri-curl activator juice. And your selection of bacon, spinach and pineapple as toppings certainly covered all the bases, flavorwise.

However, your sudden mood-shift from ecstatic over the availability of personal pizzas to angry over the unavailability of bread sticks spoke of a yearning need no fast food product can address. Please stop yelling at the underpaid counter help and begin yelling at your psychiatrist and/or pharmacist.

yours in Christ,
Leonard
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