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HAPPY ATHLETE!

Hey!

Who's that cat with the arms and legs made of 40-gallon drums? Who's the dude with the transparent disco ball Mickey Mouse head? Who's that Chinese toy I've been wearing around my neck at work for the last few days, much to the dismay of my co-workers?



It's HAPPY ATHLETE!

Happy Athlete was brought to me from San Francisco's Chinatown by a woman I work with. When you press a button on Happy Athlete's back, his transparent disco ball Mickey Mouse head lights up in all the colors of the rainbow, and casts the glorious lights of heaven above on your immediate surroundings. Although he doesn't move, casting some doubt on the 'athlete' portion of his name, and he has no facial features, making the 'happy' part difficult to confirm, and while he bears absolutely no resemblance to the kung fu chipmunk on the package, he does, as the label indicates, feature "wizardly flashing and music". Additionally, at the bottom of the package, there appears a long string of aggressive Chinese characters, followed by the defensive-sounding disclaimer "THIS PRODUCT HAS ALREADY APPLIED FOR THE PATENT!" Yeah, get off this product's dick, already, it's applied for the goddamn patent! Jesus.

Have you fallen to your knees yet and begun an eerie cult whose purpose is to venerate and, eventually, deify Happy Athlete? No? That's because you haven't heard his theme song yet.

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Comments

( 9 SHOTS LICKED — LICK A SHOT )
prettykate
Jul. 11th, 2007 03:19 pm (UTC)
WHOA!!!!
ludickid
Jul. 11th, 2007 03:43 pm (UTC)
I'm sayin'!
hipsterdetritus
Jul. 11th, 2007 03:24 pm (UTC)
SUPER HYPHY
ludickid
Jul. 11th, 2007 03:44 pm (UTC)
Ghost ride the whip</a> Happy Athlete!
(Deleted comment)
ludickid
Jul. 11th, 2007 03:44 pm (UTC)
I like to think that the lyrics in Mandarin or whatever are incredibly filthy.
roseyv
Jul. 11th, 2007 04:45 pm (UTC)
I want a Happy Athlete!

In the meantime, I will make do with simply making the Happy Athlete Anthem my ringtone.
yuriverse
Jul. 11th, 2007 11:48 pm (UTC)
Oh my gawdz, I worked in SF's Chinatown for months and never saw that thing! I'd have pounced on it in a second. Where was it when I needed it??

rushing off to scour Sydney's Chinatown for HAPPY ATHLETE ...
happinesstogo
Jul. 12th, 2007 12:49 am (UTC)
Y'know, I read this post before leaving for work this morning and laughed all the way through, so I thought I'd read it again now that I'm home from work, and it's still just as funny. I'm baffled by the meaning of the taunting face on Happy Athlete's chest. I'm baffled by most things related to Happy Athlete, actually...
slammerkinbabe
Jul. 13th, 2007 01:30 am (UTC)
Please tell me where I can send a check containing my life savings to support the ministry of Happy Athlete.
( 9 SHOTS LICKED — LICK A SHOT )

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ludickid
Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator
Ludic Log

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Leonard Pierce is a freelance writer wandering around Texas with no sleep or sense of direction. If you give him money he will write something for you. If you are nice to him he may come to your house and get drunk.

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