Who's that cat with the arms and legs made of 40-gallon drums? Who's the dude with the transparent disco ball Mickey Mouse head? Who's that Chinese toy I've been wearing around my neck at work for the last few days, much to the dismay of my co-workers?
It's HAPPY ATHLETE!
Happy Athlete was brought to me from San Francisco's Chinatown by a woman I work with. When you press a button on Happy Athlete's back, his transparent disco ball Mickey Mouse head lights up in all the colors of the rainbow, and casts the glorious lights of heaven above on your immediate surroundings. Although he doesn't move, casting some doubt on the 'athlete' portion of his name, and he has no facial features, making the 'happy' part difficult to confirm, and while he bears absolutely no resemblance to the kung fu chipmunk on the package, he does, as the label indicates, feature "wizardly flashing and music". Additionally, at the bottom of the package, there appears a long string of aggressive Chinese characters, followed by the defensive-sounding disclaimer "THIS PRODUCT HAS ALREADY APPLIED FOR THE PATENT!" Yeah, get off this product's dick, already, it's applied for the goddamn patent! Jesus.
Have you fallen to your knees yet and begun an eerie cult whose purpose is to venerate and, eventually, deify Happy Athlete? No? That's because you haven't heard his theme song yet.