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Everybody loves this kinda bullshit

Today, I discovered the scientific facts of which gum loses its flavor the fastest: it's Skittles Bubble Gum, which you probably didn't even know existed and good for you because its flavor disappears approximately four seconds before you put it in your mouth. Baseball card gum is more robust than this.

Anyway, here's something. Like all my links lately, I get this from hipsterdetritus, because he is young and dumb and full of fun, unlike me, a withered old husk two steps away from police-sponsored suicide. The link in question is here: pop songs with the narrative rewritten as limericks. To start, here's a few that I came up with:

A trip to L.A. was not swimmy
Far too drivey and drunky and trimmy
When asked “was it hot?”
I replied “It was not!
New York is the place for Cool Jimmy.”

I am not one to party my cock off;
Instead, I would namedrop Nabokov
And come off pretentious
While waxing licentious.
Don’t it make you want to knock my block off?

Rather jealous of Zig were the Spiders;
They were quickly his foremost deriders.
Envious of his fans,
They soon pancaked his hands
And became of his fate the deciders.

A hard-living roadie named Berry
I hired, my equipment to carry
He OD'ed on junk
Now I pack my own trunk
How much do I miss him? Uh...very!

Come gather ‘round, men of the city,
And hark to my song that is witty:
I claim my affection’s
From dairy confections
But really, it’s all about titty.

NOW YOU DO THIS! Special bonus point for stumping the band.



Jul. 27th, 2007 03:12 pm (UTC)
I fell out of bed around noon,
Had to get to the CPT soon.
Need some booze to awaken,
'Fore my first steps are taken,
And my mom thinks my pals are maroons.

Jul. 27th, 2007 03:22 pm (UTC)
Well done!

Life in Compton -- it ain't 'zactly heaven
My stress levels go up to eleven
So heavy it weighs
That I count as good days
When I blast nines and not 47s.
Jul. 27th, 2007 03:45 pm (UTC)
Stumped me there. How about this chestnut:

Don't toy with me now, my dear lady,
Just give up the juicy pu-nay-nee.
Show kindness to me
I'll show kindness to thee
In my carriage we'll ride? Only maybe.
Jul. 27th, 2007 04:04 pm (UTC)
Incidentally, I only just now realized that I didn't need to limit myself to rap. D'oh!
(Deleted comment)
Jul. 27th, 2007 03:30 pm (UTC)
Re: A little obvious, but:
Man, nice!

Milhaven's the town that I bloody
I kill strangers and murder my buddies
I'm one happy Loretta
With knife and Beretta
But I'm falling behind on my studies.
Jul. 27th, 2007 03:43 pm (UTC)
A gent by the name of Sir Mix
Skinnier lasses, he was known to nix
He chose for his affairs
Ladies with sizable derrieres
Ideally 5'3', 38-24-36.
Jul. 27th, 2007 03:47 pm (UTC)
New York is where all misfits run
Don't be shocked man, bite your tongue
Identity's fluid
Anyone can do it
Doo doo doo, the negresses sung
Jul. 29th, 2007 01:31 pm (UTC)
Jul. 27th, 2007 04:06 pm (UTC)
I haven't had much sensemill' rolled
And threadbare pullovers leave me rill cold
My eyes are all reddened
The ghetto's a dead end
Yo Stockton, fork over the billfold
Jul. 27th, 2007 04:20 pm (UTC)

This narrative's grippin' and thrillin'
And it ends with a frightening killin'
It's a really good story
Although rather gory --
Slick Rick, man, that shit ain't for chillun!
Jul. 27th, 2007 04:29 pm (UTC)
Everyone go berserk in this club
That includes all you wall-standing scrubs
And please no barraging me
With cries of "misogyny"
For wanting to see mammaries rubbed
Jul. 27th, 2007 04:31 pm (UTC)
Rather jealous of Zig were the Spiders;
They were quickly his foremost deriders.
Envious of his fans,
They soon pancaked his hands
And became of his fate the deciders.

Ah, the very first LP I bought with my own money.
Jul. 27th, 2007 04:47 pm (UTC)
There's no requirement they be good songs, right?

All things are nameless in this land
Not just horses but people so tanned
Also plants birds and vermin
One more thing for certain
There's no fucking shortage of sand
Jul. 27th, 2007 04:47 pm (UTC)
Re: There's no requirement they be good songs, right?
me again
Jul. 27th, 2007 04:56 pm (UTC)
One knows that this eminent cottage
Is known for its great deal of frottage
But now here's the thing -
Air conditioning
is not something on which they waste wattage.
Jul. 27th, 2007 06:03 pm (UTC)
I really should be very miffed:
This moron who smoked too much spliff,
Burned down our hotel,
In Montreux. Oh well,
It got us this really great riff.
Jul. 27th, 2007 06:11 pm (UTC)
Dear mother, I’ll tell you dramatically
I murdered a man most emphatically
My guilt I’m confessing
Now I’ll be cross-dressing
And sing to you faux-operatically
Jul. 27th, 2007 06:41 pm (UTC)
Two friends that I thought I knew well
Put me through an emotional hell
But hurt feelings and all
I put through this toll call
(Though I wish I’d remembered my cell)

It's been an uncomfortable season
Stone-cold solitude was the reason
But skies are now clearing
The ice disappearing
And the warmth of the sun is most pleasin’.

Every day on my walking digression
Their concerted-ness fuels my obsession
What was my property
Now in his custody
And nine-tenths of love is possession
Jul. 27th, 2007 06:55 pm (UTC)
I’ve read, heard, and think to be viewing here
How misfortunes appear to be brewing here
Is this all what it seems?
Might these only be dreams?
And what is this orchestra doing here?

Jul. 27th, 2007 08:16 pm (UTC)
Come all, see this dance I've created
I'm sure it will leave you elated
You quiver and shake
Like you're in an earthquake
And it's named after me, as I've stated.
Jul. 28th, 2007 02:07 am (UTC)
I am imagining Carl Kassel reading all of these. It hurts my brain.
Jul. 29th, 2007 01:34 pm (UTC)
I gotta question
"young and dumb and full of fun"? Is that really how they say it where you're from?
Jul. 29th, 2007 06:02 pm (UTC)
Re: I gotta question
Actually I'm going on 30, I'm more scatterbrained than dumb and the only thing I'm full of is ennui.
Jul. 30th, 2007 03:18 pm (UTC)
Re: I gotta question
Just doesn't have the same ring to it. Good to know, tho'.
Jul. 30th, 2007 12:14 pm (UTC)
Yes, I <i>do</i> love this kinda bullshit
Tired of driving, I stopped for a spell
At a seemingly pleasant hotel.
I quickly learned better, for
'Twas some kind of metaphor
For drugs, or asylums, or hell.