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More (hair) metal

Here is something I wanted to make part of the poll, but I ran out of room. One of the greatest characteristics of hair metal, and by "greatest" I mean "lamest", was that so many of the dudes (always dudes) in these bands gave themselves ridiculous monikers -- way lamer than REAL heavy metal names like It or Vortigur the Disemboweler or whatever. In fact, they spawned a whole new naming convention in pop music, which I will call for lack of a more obvious term the Hair Metal Name.

Here is how you get a Hair Metal Name: take

- one (1) part superhero/men's adventure novel protagonist
- one (1) part professional wrestler
- two (2) parts gay male porn star

Et voila! Here are some of the all-time classics:

Rick Savage (Def Leppard)
Earl Slick (Dirty White Boy)
Reb Beach (Dokken)
Chip Z’Nuff (Enuff Z’Nuff)
Joey Tempest (Europe)
Taime Downe (Faster Pussycat)
C.J. Snare (Firehouse)
Tony Montana (Great White)
Jesse James Dupree (Jackyl)
Lenny Wolf (Kingdom Come)
Jimi K. Bones (Kix)
Tracii Guns (L.A. Guns)
Nikki Sixx (Motley Crue)
Jack Blades (Night Ranger)
T.J. Racer (Nitro)
C.C. DeVille (Poison)
Mickey Lee Soule (Ritchie Blackmore’s Rainbow)
Jizzy Pearl (Ratt)
Sebastian Bach (Skid Row)
Mark Slaughter (Slaughter)
Oz Fox (Stryper)
Jay Jay French (Twisted Sister)
Bobby Rock (The Vinnie Vincent Invasion)
Mike Tramp (White Lion)
Kip Winger (Winger)

I am shocked, SHOCKED to learn that there has never been a Hair Metal Name generator on the internet. I am therefore taking (a) your suggestions to be entered into just such a generator and (b) your requests for a hair metal name.

The end.

OR IS IT

Tags:

Comments

( 21 SHOTS LICKED — LICK A SHOT )
brandawg
Aug. 15th, 2007 06:41 pm (UTC)
I would like a hair metal name.
ludickid
Aug. 15th, 2007 06:47 pm (UTC)
Your Hair Metal name is Randy Schotz.
roseyv
Aug. 15th, 2007 06:49 pm (UTC)
Superman Gorgeous Bigdick?

I'm really not very good at this, since I know nothing about either hair metal, superheros or professional wrestling.
ludickid
Aug. 15th, 2007 07:09 pm (UTC)
Well, the list above should give you an idea of the form.
tritium
Aug. 15th, 2007 07:05 pm (UTC)
I would very much like a hair metal name.
ludickid
Aug. 15th, 2007 07:10 pm (UTC)
Your Hair Metal Name is J.D. Cords.
oilyrags
Aug. 15th, 2007 07:10 pm (UTC)
Just call me O'Shawn Waves
blue_straggler
Aug. 15th, 2007 08:30 pm (UTC)
I'm Mickey Tornado.
cleotyne
Aug. 15th, 2007 08:35 pm (UTC)
I'm Hedgehog Stormlord.
jtron
Aug. 15th, 2007 09:22 pm (UTC)
I'm "Fucko van Asseldonk."
(Deleted comment)
hipsterdetritus
Aug. 16th, 2007 03:37 am (UTC)
Dammit, I was going to make a Razzle joke (albeit pertaining to the death car in question, my self-inflicted metal name being Ray Tomaso Pantera).
masterninja66
Aug. 15th, 2007 09:40 pm (UTC)
As a long-time fan of hair metal, I feel that I should point out that Kip Winger's real name is, in fact, Kip Winger. Naming the band after yourself was another hair metal tradition-- c.f. Bon Jovi, Dokken, Judas Priest, etc.
elston
Aug. 15th, 2007 09:47 pm (UTC)
I call dibs on Bobby Shredsmore.
(Deleted comment)
(Deleted comment)
ludickid
Aug. 16th, 2007 04:44 am (UTC)
You may. It is Stash Hundreds.
picodulce
Aug. 16th, 2007 03:31 am (UTC)
you know i'd love a hair metal name.

who the hell was jizzy pearl in ratt? was he early? was he late? i remember the stephen pearcy/ warren dimartini/ bobby blotzer ratt.
ludickid
Aug. 16th, 2007 04:48 am (UTC)
Jizzy Pearl was a late replacement drummer, I think. "Bobby Blotzer" is such a great name it's amazing it's not made up.

Your hair metal name is Blackie Lawless, but since that's already taken, you will have to settle for Silvio Face.
hipsterdetritus
Aug. 16th, 2007 03:39 am (UTC)
And here he is with his #14 hit, "Hot Legs on the City Night Street"...
Dickie Maserati.
so_crates
Aug. 16th, 2007 04:31 am (UTC)
I want a hair metal name, very badly.
ludickid
Aug. 16th, 2007 04:53 am (UTC)
Your Hair Metal Name is Rusty Stringzz.
slammerkinbabe
Aug. 16th, 2007 04:42 am (UTC)
My hair is curly and my favorite metal is tungsten. Does that help you?
Can I have a hair metal name if I am not 100% sure what hair metal is?
ludickid
Aug. 16th, 2007 04:52 am (UTC)
Re: My hair is curly and my favorite metal is tungsten. Does that help you?
See all those bands I listed above? What they do is hair metal. Listen to any of their songs: notice that they are sort of hard rock in form and function, but somehow manage not to noticeably rock and undercut any metal-inspired badassery by playing wimpy "power ballads". Look at them: observe the heavy-metalish long hair and leather, but note how their coolness factor is subverted by the fact that they are wearing mascara and their leather is not black, but pink or purple or some pastel shade. Note that all of them stopped being popular roughly around the time I graduated from high school. That's hair metal.

Clearly, your Hair Metal Name is Curly Tungsten.
( 21 SHOTS LICKED — LICK A SHOT )

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Leonard Pierce is a freelance writer wandering around Texas with no sleep or sense of direction. If you give him money he will write something for you. If you are nice to him he may come to your house and get drunk.

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