Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator (ludickid) wrote,
Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator

Scudlets III

A while back, I got a job with a major metropolitan newspaper writing a daily series of brief one-liners designed to put a human face on the war in Iraq. Unfortunately, some weak-sisters found them 'offensive' and the column was canceled.

The good news is, the paper's chief rival has picked up the 'Scudlets' feature! They have, however, instructed me to stick to human interest and general culture as my theme rather than politics, so as to avoid giving offense. Here's some that I came up with...what do you think? I think I can expect a book deal within a year.

"Whenever I'm feeling low, I put on a happy face, and pull myself up by my bootstraps. If I'm feeling really low, I can always hang myself with those straps."

"There is no more precious love in this world than a man has for his child. Or someone's child, anyway. It doesn't matter who as long as the child is naked."

"Some people say that a man's best friend is his dog, but I say that's totally fucking retarded."

"Lucky for you, I'd rather watch NASCAR than torture someone to death with a blowtorch."

"What's my secret for looking so young? Telling people who ask my secret to go fuck themselves. Also, obesity."

"There is no excuse for boredom, as long as there are underage prostitutes and remaindered cartons of off-brand tequila in the world."

"My most profound hope is that some day, people of all races can come together as one and die."

"Everyone has at least one thing they can be proud of. I'm proud that I raised an intelligent, successful, attractive son,, wait, that's what my dad is proud of. I'm proud of my huge cock."

"Fellas, lingerie is really more of a gift for you. If you really want your lady to have a special night,, give her 3 hours of head and a set of throwing knives."

"I've never understood what people mean by 'Magical Negro'. The one on my frnt lawn just stands there, staring, no matter how much pixie dust I inundate it with."

"The post office can call it 'special delivery' all they want, but if the carrier refuses to wear a ball gown and a tiara, believe me, it ain't that special."

"There are three great things about living in Texas. Unfortunately, none of them have happened to me."

"People like to say that violence never solved anything. Tell that to my wife's big mouth."

"'With this faith we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope. With this faith we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood. With this faith we will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together, to go to jail together, to stand up for freedom together, knowing that we will be free one day.' Beautiful, inspiring words, dreamt by one man: Buckethead."

"You'll never get anywhere by complaining, except Heaven."

"If you're ever nervous about giving a speech, just picture the audience in their underwear. Tied up. And completely helpless in the trunk of your car. Try not to giggle maniacally."

"Cotton is the only fabric that breathes. Nylon is the only fabric that bleeds."

"The road to failure is paved with good intentions. Except out by the exit near 282."

"There's two subjects you don't discuss in polite company: religion and politics. At least that's what I thought before I brought up blowjobs at that breakfast with the mayor."

"I've heard that a glass of wine a day helps calm your violent rages. God, I hope that's not true, because I love wine."
Tags: laffs

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