Dear many people,
I am profoundly appreciative of your having friended me on MySpace and/or Facebook. Unfortunately, it is all for naught, as I never use either; MySpace is repellently ugly and entirely unnavigable, and I don't even know exactly what Facebook is or how I ended up with an account there. Your friendship is greatly appreciated, but you are, in a metaphorical sense, attempting to fertilize an elm tree.
Dear Jane and Allison,
It is touching that you thought to include me in your latest internet meme. Unfortunately, I do not know even one thing about myself that is not already commonly known to the point of tedium, let alone seven. I am a very boring person at heart and all of the things people don't know about me are bad. Your thinking I would be a worthwhile person to participate in this project is lovely, but you have clearly confused me in your minds with a person who is not dull and unpleasant.
Dear more people than I might have thought,
I am not quite sure what to make of your questions about when I am going to start dating again or if there is someone I am seeing or if I am meeting any girls down here. The short answers are "never", "no" and "only the ones who ask me for spare change in front of the gas station"; the long answers are "sometime after I commit suicide and am reincarnated as someone less horrible", "yes, I am seeing myself as a pathetic, lonely alcoholic", and "obviously you have forgotten everything you ever knew about who I am or where I live". I therefore choose to stare awkwardly at a point some seven feet past the back of your head. I hope you find this as inviting and welcome as I do.