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A message to you, rudely

I.

Dear many people,

I am profoundly appreciative of your having friended me on MySpace and/or Facebook. Unfortunately, it is all for naught, as I never use either; MySpace is repellently ugly and entirely unnavigable, and I don't even know exactly what Facebook is or how I ended up with an account there. Your friendship is greatly appreciated, but you are, in a metaphorical sense, attempting to fertilize an elm tree.

Love,
Leonard

II.

Dear Jane and Allison,

It is touching that you thought to include me in your latest internet meme. Unfortunately, I do not know even one thing about myself that is not already commonly known to the point of tedium, let alone seven. I am a very boring person at heart and all of the things people don't know about me are bad. Your thinking I would be a worthwhile person to participate in this project is lovely, but you have clearly confused me in your minds with a person who is not dull and unpleasant.

Love,
Leonard

III.

Dear more people than I might have thought,

I am not quite sure what to make of your questions about when I am going to start dating again or if there is someone I am seeing or if I am meeting any girls down here. The short answers are "never", "no" and "only the ones who ask me for spare change in front of the gas station"; the long answers are "sometime after I commit suicide and am reincarnated as someone less horrible", "yes, I am seeing myself as a pathetic, lonely alcoholic", and "obviously you have forgotten everything you ever knew about who I am or where I live". I therefore choose to stare awkwardly at a point some seven feet past the back of your head. I hope you find this as inviting and welcome as I do.

Love,
Leonard

Tags:

Comments

( 40 SHOTS LICKED — LICK A SHOT )
ortho_bob
Aug. 16th, 2007 08:47 pm (UTC)
So there's no point looking out for a Leonard's Lovely Ladies of San Antonio series in forthcoming entries?
ludickid
Aug. 16th, 2007 08:54 pm (UTC)
No, but keep an open slot on your calendar for "101 Best Cocktails in Leonard's Pantry", coming soon.
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oilyrags
Aug. 16th, 2007 08:52 pm (UTC)
> "obviously you have forgotten everything you ever knew about who I am or where I live".

I for one remember clearly that you live next to Catholic School Girl Central. Get busy, you!
ludickid
Aug. 16th, 2007 08:55 pm (UTC)
I don't live next to a Catholic school. I live next to a Catholic university, which is a whole order of magnitude less enticing, for reasons that should be obvious.
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(Deleted comment)
ludickid
Aug. 16th, 2007 09:11 pm (UTC)
I like to think of it as continuing my lifelong love affair with unconsciousness.
doraphilia
Aug. 16th, 2007 09:08 pm (UTC)
omg you're on facebook omg! I'm sooooooooooooo going to add you!!

while I'm feeling frank, because I'm having a frank day, I wish you wouldn't sell yourself so short. Yes, people are annoying to ask when you're going to start dating... but you're pretty great, and I wish you wouldn't be so hard on yourself!
ludickid
Aug. 16th, 2007 09:12 pm (UTC)
Well, thank you, Dora. You are sweet and kind. But I will stop being hard on myself when I am less of a bad person.
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krinndnz
Aug. 16th, 2007 09:14 pm (UTC)
because I haven't said "malign" yet today
Are you sure it's you and not Tasteful San Antonio exerting malign influence on your life ?
ludickid
Aug. 16th, 2007 09:20 pm (UTC)
Re: because I haven't said "malign" yet today
Tasteful San Antonio is my punishment for being such a jerk. If I was any worse I'd be in Amarillo.
kudaspeaks
Aug. 16th, 2007 09:27 pm (UTC)
If anyone asks you if you are planning on dating just scream "Spiderman can't date anyone! It's too dangerous!"

I don't think they'll ask twice if you do that.
ludickid
Aug. 16th, 2007 10:24 pm (UTC)
"Spiderman" is probably a better tactic than "MODOK".
ortho_bob
Aug. 16th, 2007 09:30 pm (UTC)
MySpace is only of any use for listening to obscure music -- someone seems to be putting the albums of every obscure but namedropable early 70s band on it - Catapilla, Pinguin, Kollektiv, Mr Albert Show, Affinity....

Facebook is for people who are pleasantly surprised to find that Ron, who gave them daily wedgies all through high school, is now an optometrist in Sugarland.

And what of Vox?
deanarae
Aug. 17th, 2007 01:05 pm (UTC)
MySpace is also useful for stalking ex-love interests and for checking up on bitchy girls you hated in high school to see if they are still dumb.
zulkey
Aug. 16th, 2007 10:08 pm (UTC)
I never asked you when you were going to start dating again! Dames. Who needs 'em?
ludickid
Aug. 16th, 2007 10:25 pm (UTC)
Steve's got the best one, anyway.
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(Anonymous)
Aug. 17th, 2007 12:45 am (UTC)
Pathetic?
Balderdash! You're intelligent, an interesting conversationalist and a nice person. Despite the sometimes questionable fashion decisions, you seem to be quite capable of making some female happy. So, get your butt back to Chicago, the woman of your dreams is probably pining away in some bar waiting for you.
ludickid
Aug. 17th, 2007 03:14 am (UTC)
Re: Pathetic?
Questionable fashion decisions? I own a pair of gold tennis-shoes! I...oh, wait.
happinesstogo
Aug. 17th, 2007 01:15 am (UTC)
I thought about friending you on myspace a while back because I'm a Big Dork and spend an inordinate amount of time on that site, but it looked like you don't really log in or do anything over there, so I didn't.
calamityjon
Aug. 17th, 2007 01:53 am (UTC)
Please explain why you've never responded to my requests to enemy you on Foester.
ludickid
Aug. 17th, 2007 03:16 am (UTC)
You'll have to wait in line behind Vincent Gallo, Mojo Nixon and the employees of AmeriKing, Inc.
rjwhite
Aug. 17th, 2007 01:58 am (UTC)
Jesus crist, the women won't touch you with your fancy-pants fauntleroy outside-the-quotation-mark punctuating.
ludickid
Aug. 17th, 2007 03:17 am (UTC)
I refuse to traffic with the sort of common tramp who would reject the more rational English punctuation style. That's why Uma and I broke off the engagement. A man must have standards, for God's sake.
( 40 SHOTS LICKED — LICK A SHOT )

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ludickid
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PROPRIETOR

Leonard Pierce is a freelance writer wandering around Texas with no sleep or sense of direction. If you give him money he will write something for you. If you are nice to him he may come to your house and get drunk.

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