Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator (ludickid) wrote,
Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator
ludickid

Pizzas of the Powerful

In keeping with my beloved Chicago's tendency of naming menu items after people (as in Hot Doug's sausages named for local celebrities, and Kuma's Corner and their heavy metal hamburgers), I have decided that when I move back, I am going to open a pizzeria where all the dishes are named after world leaders.

THE WINSTON CHURCHILL PIZZA: roast beef and mozzarella with HP sauce instead of tomato. 10% discount if you bring in a bulldog or an unattractive infant.

THE ADOLF HITLER PIZZA: a vegetarian pizza with a single grape in the center. Constructed very loosely so that its ingredients spill over onto nearby menu items.

THE BENITO MUSSOLINI PIZZA: half Italian sausage, half German sausage. Extra meat at no charge. You can order it for delivery, but we will constantly stall, and at the last moment, your pizza will not show up.

THE EMPEROR AKIHITO PIZZA: Japanese-style, with egg, corn, wasabi, bamboo shoots, and octopus ink. At only $9.99 for a large, it seems like an economic miracle, but if you order after 10PM the price doubles.

THE MAMOHAN SINGH PIZZA: deliciously spicy Indian-style pizza with tandoori chicken, peppers and a curried tomato base. Also available with the same ingredients as an American pizza, but at half the cost.

THE MAO ZEDONG PIZZA: mixed vegetables, spicy sauce and sesame-rolled General Tso's chicken, plus one of a thousand blooming flowers of your choice. Delivered to your door via long march from our kitchen.

THE MARCUS GARVEY PIZZA: when you order this, an employee calls your house, and, after determining that you are not the blue-eyed grafted devil, urges you to order the Haile Selassie Pizza instead.

THE SAPARMURAT NIYAZOV PIZZA: onions, mushrooms and suduk sausage, all baked in a crispy cheese crust under a huge gold-plated portrait of Niyazov himself. May only be ordered with other Niyazov pizzas.

THE ISLAM KARIMOV PIZZA: never thought you'd try a potato and sorghum pizza? especially a boiled potato and sorghum pizza? Well, neither did any of our other customers, and to date, no one has!

THE ARIEL SHARON PIZZA: comes with an impenetrable plastic barrier to keep all other ingredients from touching the kosher elements of your pizza. For $2 extra, will eliminate all other ingredients and claim they were never there in the first place.
Tags: eats, laffs
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  • The Party of What People?

    This will be my last entry of 2016.  Next year will begin, barring some unexpected act of fate, with the ascension to the presidency of Donald…

  • Anno Terribilis

    2016, the little year that absolutely could not, is almost over, and with the exception of people for whom it was a raging success —…

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