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No, he can't, 'cause he's a pig

So I clicked on a GoVeg.com ad that came up in my gMail, listing ten reasons not to eat pork. They were mostly convincing, although not as convincing as the one reason to eat pork (#1: Pork is delicious). At any rate, this one struck me as a bit of a stretch:

#3: Pigs and Playstations

Think that you can outplay a pig on your Playstation? You may be surprised. According to research, pigs are much smarter than dogs, and they even do better at video games than some primates.


There are so many things wrong with this. First of all, who did the testing on whether a monkey, dog or pig was better at video games? I'm fascinated by the logistics of this. What game did they play? Was it a puzzle game, a first-person shooter, a platform actioner? Did any of the animals actually score? Were the dogs better or worse than the monkeys? How did the dogs and pigs play without thumbs? Were they on a PS, a PS2, or a PS3? Were they playing the computer, or competing against other pigs?

Also, why would they assume that if I knew a pig was good at video games, I wouldn't want to eat it? Seems to me that I could whinny away the competition and quickly rise to the gamer elite in this manner. Shit, if it was legal to kill and eat other human gamers, I'd do it.

Eating a pig is like eating your dog!

Except your dog is not delicious.

As actor Cameron Diaz put it after hearing that pigs have the mental capacities of a 3-year-old human: "[Eating bacon is] like eating my niece!"

Now, wait, hold on there, GoVeg.com. Is it like eating your dog, or eating your niece? Or is it just like eating Cameron Diaz's niece? Because I don't really care about Cameron Diaz's niece. Also, is eating a 3-year-old better than eating an adult with the mental capacity of a 3-year-old? And how does a 3-year-old stack up against a pig at Playstation? If the pig is better, does that mean it's okay to eat the toddler?

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Comments

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mckennl
Aug. 28th, 2007 07:41 pm (UTC)
Duh, Pierce -- they had to have used a Wii.
ludickid
Aug. 28th, 2007 07:43 pm (UTC)
They SAID it was a PLAYSTATION, Lizabelle. I just want to know, which VERSION. Come on, this is SCIENCE.
janehex
Aug. 28th, 2007 07:44 pm (UTC)
mmmmm bacon
kleenexwoman
Aug. 28th, 2007 07:45 pm (UTC)
"[Eating bacon is] like eating my niece!"
Considering that humans are said to taste like pork, this seems pretty accurate. I assume that a three-year-old would still be soft and delicious, rather than stringy and full of Twinkies like most adults. My question is, how does Cameron Diaz know exactly what her niece tastes like?
ludickid
Aug. 28th, 2007 07:46 pm (UTC)
Clearly, she has eaten her niece before.
harmfulguy
Aug. 28th, 2007 09:56 pm (UTC)
You wouldn't want to eat a three-year-old like that all at once, would you?
adam_0oo
Aug. 29th, 2007 04:39 pm (UTC)
That is like the joke about the pig with the wooden leg.
doraphilia
Aug. 28th, 2007 07:49 pm (UTC)
those are ridiculous reasons.

despite my love of meat-eating I do often understand the more political arguments against it-- that the meat industry is dangerous, exploitative to laborers, has unhealthy practices for the consumers, and is inhumane to the animals.

Which is why those three reasons to not eat pork are utterly moronic.

whos idea is it that a pig is as smart as a 3 year old child??

also, what kind of precedent are they setting by claiming it's not ok to eat pigs because they're intelligent? So now we're going to kill and eat animals solely based on their talents and abilities?
calamityjon
Aug. 28th, 2007 08:13 pm (UTC)
Here's my guideline: It's only okay to eat an animal if it can't be taught to shake hands.
doraphilia
Aug. 28th, 2007 08:17 pm (UTC)
awesome. I agree, except for maybe guinea pigs. But I'm fine with that ruling on cats.
mckennl
Aug. 28th, 2007 07:50 pm (UTC)
If you are playing three-card monte with a monkey and you point to the queen, the monkey will ignore you.

But if you are playing with a dog and you point to the queen, the dog gets it right every time. TRUE STORY.
ludickid
Aug. 28th, 2007 08:45 pm (UTC)
But do those skills convert to, say, Madden '07?
janehex
Aug. 28th, 2007 07:55 pm (UTC)
Here is a picture I took recently in Chicago

ludickid
Aug. 28th, 2007 07:57 pm (UTC)
The Boston Butt portion controls the pig's video-gaming ability.
kudaspeaks
Aug. 28th, 2007 08:08 pm (UTC)
Way to go, GoVeg people. If word gets out that toddlers are made of delicious bacon, "A Modest Proposal" and "To Serve Man" will no longer be made of delicious irony.
calamityjon
Aug. 28th, 2007 08:17 pm (UTC)
Dr.Spock's Baby and Child Care ... IT'S A COOKBOOK!
autobotsrollout
Aug. 29th, 2007 12:42 am (UTC)
Except your dog is not delicious.

Have you ever eaten dog? Trust me - it's perfectly tasty.
adam_0oo
Aug. 29th, 2007 05:01 pm (UTC)
According to research, pigs are much smarter than dogs, and they even do better at video games than some primates.

This is like the joke about the guy who who is playing his dog at chess but claims the dog isn't that smart, "I beat him 2 out of 3 times."
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Leonard Pierce is a freelance writer wandering around Texas with no sleep or sense of direction. If you give him money he will write something for you. If you are nice to him he may come to your house and get drunk.

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